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BobPitch.com
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The best of the first million
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- GCD has asked me to forward this message:
"I will be home at 7pm. I have lost my keys so I will bang on the door. I will be wearing
a balaclava and will seem a lot fatter than I was before (I have eaten a lot). Please sex me up in the
hallway. PS I have forgotten our address. What is it again?"
golostruda 12/08/04 13:52
- Good morning everyone.
Please welcome "[insert-name-here] Fred" and "Georgia Lorien Fred" in their first
interslice appearance.
Mother well (despite the C-section) and all are thriving.
deadfred 16/08/04 10:38
- well,
that was my
father. Alan Bennett (he used to write fan letters to my father) is writing one for the Independant, and
there will be one in the Guardian, however The Telegraph has had their nose put out of joint by this,
and are refusing to do one cunts.
However what they don't/won't say is that he was an Ace father. One, amongst other things, who used
to play me, as a child, inappropriate punk and new wave 7 inches. Blagged me onto the set of Star Wars.
Look my sister for birthday teas at The Dorchester, and even look my little brother to see Arsenal play
at Highbury (he was so disinterested by football that he used to take a book to read in goal when he was
forced to play).
*brave face*
_piss_artist_ 05/10/04 11:46
- I got the newspaper for you at lunchtime
staples 20/09/04 14:07
- Copy cat norks are springing up all over the world.
Jews come from all over the world to wail at them
stoaty 21/05/04
11:05
- GCD's picture before he Photoshopped it
08/03/04 23:44
- Triple Yay time
Yay no.1 - Scottish Water have finally paid my invoice four months late
Yay no.2 - Crown have dropped drugs charges against client six days after he was granted Legal Aid -
I get �500 for doing nothing
Yay no.3 - It is finally official. With effect from 30th August I am heading court Department of a
large firm in Dumbarton (and still working part-time for Scottish Executive)
Baudolino 11/08/04 15:26
- For Fred:
SFX: "Theme from 'The Omen'"
burt_girth 16/08/04 11:16
- let me do the worrying about strategies, stoaty.
you just keep tapping in the code
dj_pisspoor 13/09/04
23:27
- Just been pulled aside by my boss.
Apparently I have really impressed people at the top in interview for the other job and
through my work.
I have been promoted to get to see another side of the company, with a view to be promoted further
eventually.
That is all.
[edit] And here was me all worried about being sacked when I was asked to go up in a few mins, then
taken into an empty office - I really was shitting meself!!
Spankie 11/06/04 16:37
- Why I've not been around much the last few days
You may remember that my Dad was in hospital. Well, he died last Friday. In many ways it
was for the best as he would have been bedridden and Mum wouldn't have been allowed to look after him,
and he didn't want to be put in a home. So he's at peace now. Thanks to everyone who thought of us in
the past few weeks. The funeral is in Doncaster on Monday and we're casting his ashes in Kimberley,
Nottingham, the place where he was happiest.
CFB 15/07/04 10:29
- a horrible beardy man just SHOUTED at me in a meeting
he was going "do you understand what WE mean by the word creative that you've been
bandying around this afternoon?". and he had dark glasses on so I couldn't see his eyes so I got all
scared and couldn't think of anything to say so i said "i'm sorry, I'm finding this conversation very
difficult because I can't see your eyes" because I thought he was being rude wearing his sunglasses and
he said "I've got photophobia, I have to wear them" *cries*
spicey 01/09/04 16:23
- this one...
golostruda 19/07/04 13:55
- Dad's funeral went OK
although as we went in, the music playing wasn't exactly country and western. The service
was very good and we left to the same music. The minister came over and said 'what was your Dad's
relationship to Africa?' 'Nothing, why?' quoth I. 'Well, the music we played was the theme to 'Out of
Africa'. 'We asked for 'Take Me Home Country Road' by Glen Campbell, actually' Cue confused flicking
through service notes by minister.
Well, if everything had gone right, it wouldn't have been my Dad. I'm looking forward to scattering
someone else's ashes over Nottingham in a couple of weeks time.
CFB 20/07/04 12:31
- My molly is very ill :(
Her white blood cell count is really high and she has an infection. They can't work out
what it is. So she has an IV in her hand, oxygen up her nose and bandages everywhere. It has been a
rather distressing 24 hours. She will be in until at least Sunday. I also had a car accident on the way
to the hospital as I was in such a flid. The man was nice about it and I fucked up my car more than his
so that was alright. AGH!
drkilldare 24/09/04 08:41
- good news : my sperm has successfully and masterfully impregnated the wife again
bad news : this means I most likely won't be able to sit at home all day any more,
wanking, crying and playing Xbox in my pants working on a wide range of exciting new media
projects.
naked 08/10/04 10:14
- Some of you will remember that my Dad has dementia
On Monday night he had a severe stroke and seems to have lost what powers of speech he had
and his motor co-ordination. He's in hospital and despite what the doctors say, I can't see him coming
out.
CFB 16/06/04 11:20
- Bugger
Just gt the call to tell me my grandmother's died. Peacefully in her sleep, which is good
I suppose.
mordant_shorts 21/07/04 12:01
- My review:
1. An apology for making my life hell over the past three months, and my boss assures me
it wasn't intentional, but there was no way around it;
2. a 2k pay rise (sadly, not backdated);
3. they want me to start to develop my role to take it and me away from straight admin, so I have to
do more reports;
4. apparently I have a very good rep here and a bright future.
*self belm*
Spankie 23/09/04 14:10
- fuxake
August is rubbish. I've just heard that a schoolmate of mine, the only person i've ever
known with the same first name as me, has died. Leaving a wife & baby.
baconmcdouble 25/08/04
16:25
- The Top Trumps company are really scraping the barrel now...
23/02/04 12:29
- just checked the blair noose story with my mate who's some new labour wonk
he hit the fucking roof. Worst of it is I told him where i saw it. I think he figured it
was PB though not BP.
*crosses fingers*
dj_pisspoor 26/05/04
23:28
- well?
I might send it back to basket.
baconmcdouble 11/06/04
15:24
- Yesterday,
I went to a BBq given by the German parents of a good mate and collegue of mine to
celebrate the fact that he was still alive exactly 1 year after having a terrible road accident (knocked
off his scooter by a van, and then run over by a bus.) There were a few toasts and Johns' father Bruno,
got up to say a few words thanking his friends, collegues and family for being so supportive at such a
stressful time. Bruno went on to thank me personally as I was the first friend to get to the hospital
after hearing of the accident, John was basically fucked and the medical staff were giving him vey
little chance of surviving the day. Whilst sitting in the chapel, Bruno asked if he could borrow my
mobile as the phone that the hospital gave him wouldn't let him make overseas calls. I switched it on,
handed it over and he went outside to make the calls... In what was the darkest hour of my life, I
would like to thank Basket for putting a very brief smile on my face, as soon as the phone found a
signal it started ringing constantly... (collegues calling for info) ,....after what I think
was the 5th rendition of The Dambusters I finally saw the funny side...
basket 19/07/04 12:43
- For anyone who may be interested
Court has reinstated weekly contact with my six-year old daughter, initially for four
hours every Saturday (ex was generously *offering* two hours per fortnight)
Baudolino 21/07/04 17:09
- Spankie's roomsmell post
reminds me of a story which shows how FUCKING ACE my dad was.
When I was 15 my parents went away for a weekend so OF COURSE I had a party. On the Sunday morning
the place reeked of derp and I started panicking. One of my sister's older friends told me to fry some
onions and garam masala and walk round the house with the pan to mask the smell.
Dad walked into the house, sniffed, and said "Someone's been smoking pot and eating curry in here"
tinyfecklesschild 26/08/04
12:58
- I got the job, yay!
Seems cool company and decent clients plus I will be working with an outstandingly
pulchritudinous french lady with an accent that makes me feel all funny
majorbloodnok 23/08/04 14:52
- My Appraisal
Boss: "Ginger, you're shit."
Me: "Yes I know."
Boss: "Stop being shit."
Me: "I'll try"
*mongs*
ginger 06/09/04 15:09
- conversation from the pub last night
me:"we think that krissie in client development is a bit filthy looking. Infact Rich
thinks she would be dirty in the sack.What do you think paul?"
paul:"er"
me:"she looks like she could do with a wash though, don't you think paul."
paul:" er actually i've been seeing her for a month now and am thinking about moving in with her"
me: "fancy a pint?"
matt 12/08/04 12:22
- Help Please
My G'friend is in Tanzania and i am trying to set up my web cam so we can see each other
and speak at the same time (yes i know fnarr fnarr Dirty Den etc.
Was going to use messenger as I do with a mate in Auz but she is on a MAC and the mac version
doesn't support web cam stuff - do any of you guys know a way to do this that is easy to set up and
possibly free? help much appreciated either on here or [email protected]. Ta
pieman 14/09/04 09:33
- Er...
After only four weeks me and my company have, er, parted company. Before anyone jumps to
any lurid conclusions the reasons for this are owing to a client conflict and a some office politics. Ho
hum, nil desperandum, I've already been fielding calls from recruitment consultants. Anyway, to say I'm
slightly pissed off is an understatement so I'm making the very positive decision to go to the pub to
get pissed, or I should say more pissed as I've been drinking since lunchtime. If anyone would like to
join me ring me on the mobile or message me *up there*, *hic*...
boris 05/07/04 17:16
- BEER GOGGLES - a story
when i was on holiday in tenerife, i was in a ghastly bar, getting very drunk, and getting
very chatted up by a bloke called steve - i snogged him for a bit in the bar, then for a bit outside the
bar, then he kind of invited himself back to my apartment - as we were walking up the road my head
started to clear a bit and i had a proper look at him - to my horror, he looked a bit like a
moron - i dropped behind him a bit and tried to work out how to get out of the situation - there
was a ditch at the side of the road and on the other side, a patch of wasteland upon which was a few
shrubs and piles of rubbish - i waited for him to get a little bit further ahead of them, then jumped
almost over the ditch and crawled behind one of the bushes - i watched him walk up the road a bit
further, with my fist in my mouth to stop myself laughing outloud, then saw him look round to see that i
had disappeared - he stood there for about 5 minutes, amazed that i appeared to have disappeared off the
face of the earth, before turning round and, shoulders slumped, wandering back towards the bar :(
jean_grellie
04/08/04 12:20
- *mortified*
Popped out for a fag and the man from the office next door was there, we were having a
chat as we often do...
ME: Beautiful day isn't it?
HIM: Mmmmm lovely. You know what would make it even better?
ME: What...
HIM: If we had a drink.
ME: (flustered and huffy) No sorry I've got a boyfriend.
HIM: (horrified) No I meant if we were standing out here with a drink to go with our cigarettes. I
wasn't asking you OUT or anything.
Cue bright purple Queenie scuttling back inside.
22/04/04 11:28
- *cries* *laughs* *cries*
Well after 3.5 hours you can now officially say Dr Mike Oxhard.
*cries* *laughs* *cries*
mike_oxhard
21/05/04 13:11
- transit of venus..
brian 08/06/04 15:44
- *apologises in advance*
staples
29/06/04 11:53
- So, what's the story?
Is Wikipedia the reason why we've been
getting so many newbies today?
puppyshunter
20/07/04 16:27
- Good morning all
It`s my birthday.
All karma/presents/kisses gratefully accepted x
EDIT: Thank you all very much x
ptang 21/07/04 09:37
- exciting news from the estate agents
the people who viewed my house may or may not want to buy it :-/
Last time I go
to Schroedinger's Estates
hoxtonwanka
30/07/04 16:41
- a bit of marker will disguise that
staples 01/09/04 15:01
- Just had the meeting with my boss.
Apparently they know I am putting the hours in, they know that I have had to settle in a
role which took three years for the last person to settle into, and that it's only books.
They also told me that I should remember that I am not doing this forever, as they want to move me
forward again in the future.
I can be a right twat at times.
Spankie 08/09/04 16:17
- My deaf homeless friend
just sent me a text on a phone he found in a bin - he was making the Sign Language motion
for something to eat to some cunt in a taxi and got a punch in the face for his trouble! What a world,
eh?
skin_chimney 20/09/04 12:15
smoomonster 29/09/04 11:52
- 'Oi cunt! Did you just post my fucking picture on a mongboard?'
staples 07/10/04 12:20
- My son went for his 18-month MOT yesterday
turns out he is severely.....
gifted, folks.
cool, huh?
22/04/04 15:10
- Really?
You should try this
30/04/04 16:28
- I think i may have put my foot in it.
*unlisted direct line rings*
*I answer*
me :"Hello"
Voice "Hello, is Ian available?"
Me "No sorry, he is still at lunch"
Voice "What time are you expecting him back?"
Me "your guess is as good as mine, he's in the pub, can anyone else help?"
Voice "Possibly It's Mr Blah Blah from the city desk of the London Metro, would you like to comment
on the story we ran this morning regarding Mr Taylors court case?"
Me *click*
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/business/articles/timid79577?source=
basket 21/06/04 14:09
- YER FUCKEN BEAUTY!
I got the BBC job. Fin.
EDIT: It was originally a six month contract, now it's nine months. I am going to be a director and
I will be involved with lots of slebs. Not completely done and dusted yet, need to meet producer
tomorrow to finalise everything, but I'm so relieved.
*looks down* And I love you all. I'm gonna get shitfaced now.
charlesfosterbrain 30/06/04
15:02
- hello pitchers *brings the board down*
little one-eyed spicey dog's other eye has gone the same way. it is incurable and the vet
confirmed today he can do nothing :(
I am a wuss so mr spicey is taking the day off tomorrow to take her for her last trip to the vets
*cries*
spicey 08/07/04 12:50
- Morning all
30 seems great to so far!
I have had a great breakfast cooked for me, nearly a bottle of champagne and loads of presents. Now
I have to get dressed as we are going out for a surprise! Yay!
drkilldare 29/07/04 09:59
- Nice shirt
stoaty 04/08/04 13:43
- direct from BP mail with geek bits changed
Got called in by an agency to have a look at some Flash source files after a CD-ROm
they built went 'disastrously' wrong. They spent 15k before launch on testing at Epic, and it was
fine. Now they've replicated the CDs and sent them all out, the main application has a textfield in
the top right corner flashing 'you are all cunts' repeatedly all the way through the app.
Turns out they'd made the developer redundant just before the end of the CD build, but got him
to finish it before he left. He'd put in the 'you are all cunts', and put in some code to check the
date on the local machine, and if the date was before the launch date then the date was made to be
invisible. Now the launch date has past and the CDs are all tested and delivered, it's there for all
to see. The man is a god!
naked 23/09/04 16:15
- just a short post
to say thanks for the coments *down there* I was genuinely touched... oh and don't use
gmail to recieve messages of condolence etc from far flung friends and relatives as it will target
adverts for funerals/flowers/etc and kindly display 'em next to the email
_piss_artist_ 05/10/04 13:53
- Enjoying the fruits of democracy
stoaty 14/05/04
13:48
- Here's a quiz for you.
One of these gardens is mine. The other is my next door neighbour's.
Click the one you think is mine.
stoaty 08/06/04
14:45
- aw shit
Continuing my fine tradition of stupid typos in important emails, I have just scrolled
through an email chain with a client and noticed that in the original email I wrote 'I'm awfully busy at
the moment, but can't complain!'
But I didn't type 'busy', I typed 'busty'
:-(
spij_cat 09/06/04 12:22
- I work in Billingsgate.
Some fucker's just microwaved a Post-It note. The whole market smells like Canary Wharf.
Pasta 10/06/04 12:22
- I'm having to buy myself new glasses today
something I hate doing. The last pair bought it last night when I sat down, managed to tip
a plate of panini onto my shirt and when trying to catch it, punched myself in the face - breaking the
glasses.
GoldCD 14/06/04 11:08
- The mother of one of my sons mates at school has cancer...
...and probably won't see the next england game. The teachers were talking about it to the
whole class, preparing them I guess, when my son asked if they were going to put her in the ground or
burn her like a witch. I've never been so proud.
Chopper3 18/06/04 16:14
- oh dear.
basket 25/06/04 10:53
- just walked round a ladder to avoid any bad luck
and then got hit in the shins by someone opening a car door
hoxtonwanka
04/08/04 10:09
- The shot he really wanted to get.
GoldCD 09/08/04 22:57
- i was doodling away during a meeting yesterday
and without really noticing it drew the word "spunk" in a large psychedelic Haight-Ashbury
typeface which all the participants stared at while I tried to disguise it as a flowchart
hoxtonwanka
12/08/04 10:35
- Queenie's Tip of the Day:
I was feeling a little depressed earlier.
Then I went to the toilet and realised I had my favourite pants on.
I pranced around in front of the mirror with my jeans around my knees for a few minutes and now I
feel MUCH better.
That is all x
caravan_queenie
16/08/04 13:47
- *ashamed face*
So I'm on my sister's hen do on Saturday night and half way through the evening, we all go
into a really really horrific bar called Buffalo Joes� it was rammed and horrible and rather than battle
my way to the bar, I turned to my mum and told her I was going to the loo � she says she'll get herself
a drink and then follow me in there�
Five minutes later, I walk out of the cubicle to see my mum and my aunty with shocked looks on their
faces and my mum just says:
"I've just seen your sister give a bloke a blow job at the bar"
And on that note, she didn't say another word and went and had a wee. Poor the traumatised katymum.
:(((((
kate_brush 01/09/04
17:11
- last time i went to tescos
the lady on the till said "ooh, it's printing you out an extra voucher" when i was paying.
it was a 20p off Pot Noodle voucher. i've never bought a pot noodle from tescos and yet their database
has still worked out that i'm a loser
hoxtonwanka
08/09/04 12:52
- morning lovlies
how are you all? I went to my interviews on Friday and they both want me back for second
interviews this week. The recruitment consultant told me that the feedback email from the first
interview (which is the job I really want) just said 'we absolutly love her!' in capital letters.
Yay me!
spij_cat 04/10/04 10:01
- an update on yesterdays 'pretending to be the girl my mate pulled text converstaion'
I carried on with the charade all day and into the evening. My plan was to make her sound
as young as possible (dropping hints about being at college/school, excessive use of emoticons) and see
what he did.
Unsurprisingly he lapped it all up. Eventually it got a bit dull and I began to lose interest in it
so I decided to send a text that was clearly not from the 'girl' he'd been chatting to. Here it is with
the lead up...
Me: how old r u?
Mate: that was going to be my next question, I'm 23, you?
Me: old enough!!! ;-)
Mate: old enough for what?
Me: Degradation, humilation, pain, misogyny, sodomy, aubergines, donkey cock....you get the idea.
Now, how would you like to cum on my pretty little face?
About an hour later he called and said he was going to pop round for a smoke. When he came round he
didn't mention it at all for about 20 minutes and then he came out with...
You wouldn't BELIEVE the girl I've been texting all day, she's a right dirty bitch
He didn't seem to mind when I told him, he said he hadn't had such a funny day for ages.
Conclusion: My mate is a borderline paedophile and I'm an excellent inverse groomer.
17/03/04 10:35
- what danny_kendall's picture didn't show....
louis 13/05/04 14:14
- *Belms*
Baudolino:- "Can I have twelve first class stamps please?"
Woman in shop :- "Sorry, we only sell books of six"
Baudolino 28/05/04 13:16
- *Ms Stroons receives her new Stationery supplies*
GoldCD 21/07/04 15:32
freeradical 03/08/04 10:27
- having trouble getting your post noticed?
having a 'bloodnok' as we say in the trade. Well don't worry for just �10 a day 'clear as
matt' will make sure your post is always top of the board!
here are some satisfied customers
i was a dull nobody but with clear as matt my life has changed and i may have a date-superspyguy
i am now locked into a daily duel with zigzagzog thanks to clear as matt-incognito
'clear as matt' is a mattcorp production
matt 22/09/04 12:53
- the very camp
newsreader on local radio did a story this morning about kebabs being the most popular
fast food in Germany. He said "kebabs have beaten off the sauasage as they are now the number one snack,
pushing the sausage into the number two slot"
Must our children be subjected to this filth on the school run?
yours
Annoyed of lesbiville
ayuplass 06/10/04 11:22
- I have decided to post this rather disgusting story. However
please note: a) It was a LONG time ago and b) Ex's family were tres pikey, like the
Mitchells (Hoxton will testify as he knows them)
Anyway, me and ex were getting it on in his parents house in his bedroom. We were very drunk and
everyone else was in bed. I hadn't packed my vibrator and we were looking for something as a stand-in.
The only thing to hand was a my Dior lipstick. Ugh, I know. But you know, it seemed a good idea at the
time. Anyway, he tried to probe my hairy mary but got confused in his drunked state and shoved it up the
wrong hole. I was so shocked I immediately clenched by bum and he let go. :( We couldn't find it. I
locked myself in the bathroom to try and remove it. No go. He was so freaked he woke his MUM up to help!
Agh! Nightmare. So there I was naked in his bathroom with a �15 lipstick up my jacksy and his cockney
mum is outside telling me "breathe slowly and push". Only when they threatened A&E did it come out. I
then had to endure his whole pikey family singing "Lipstick on your collar" to me for months afterwards.
*hangs head in shame and squirms at the evil memory of it*
08/03/04 22:11
- an embarrassing story, from my collection of embarrassing stories
i went on holiday with my sister and two of my brother's friends - we had separate apartments and
one �morning after the night before� i felt the urge to do a botty cough � being the sharing kind, i ran
into the guys� apartment saying �listen to this, nothing to miss, dadadadadada �� and promptly followed
through into my cut off track suit bottoms and no knickers :(
22/04/04 11:41
- Dad update
There was some improvement last night - he's got a bit of limb control back and the nurse
told me that he was getting defensive when anyone tried to examine him, which is close to normal
behaviour. A small 76 year old bloke can generate a fair bit of torque when someone's trying to put a
pajama top on him. So things are a little less fraught now. Thanks to everyone for their support
yesterday x.
CFB 17/06/04 12:03
- sorry to bring everyone down
but my friend has died from secondary breast cancer. her humanist service is on thursday
and we aren't allowed to wear black. she will have chosen all the music and i'm sure there will be a
comedy moment. i'm kinda looking forward to saying goodbye *needs hugs*
poppixie 22/06/04 13:51
- busy busy busy
GoldCD 30/06/04 14:09
- I went round Adam Saunders's for tea, I didn't really like him
but he was always going on about this Lego city that he'd built and I was desperate to see
it. His mum picked us up from school in her car and I sat in the back. When we got to his house I got
out the door and a crisp packet popped out of my pocket onto the seat, I lent in to pick it up but his
mum had already spotted it and told me off, from then on I was a bit scared.
Adam's 'Lego City' turned out to be four of those green tiles with a couple of rubbish,
multi-coloured houses built on to it. Even now, I can feel the sharp pang of disappointment like it was
yesterday. His mum came upstairs with a biscuit tin and asked me if I wanted one, I took a bourbon and
she said "wouldn't you like a fig roll?" so I took one of those as well. Then she shouted "I
ONLY SAID YOU COULD HAVE ONE BISCUIT YOU GREEDY, GREEDY BOY". Now I was really scared. I spent
the rest of the evening reading Beanos in silence, I was pretty happy when my dad came to pick me up.
My best friend Leo was due to go round for tea the next day, I told him not to, told him what
happened to me but he wouldn't listen. He only lasted one hour before he started crying and had to call
his mum to come get him.
Adam if you're reading this, your Lego city was fucking shit and your mum is a bitch.
smer 08/07/04 11:28
- My view:
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agentp 22/07/04 15:59
- hox
i reckon i'd draw the line at:
"hi again, i'm sending you this e-mail because you haven't replied to the last ones i sent and i was
worried that you hadn't got them HAHAHAHA!!! i'm sure you're not ignoring me or anything because that
would just be WRONG HAHAHAHAHA!!! don't worry, i'm not a murderer or a pervert or a kiddie fiddler or
anything - i mean, i love little kids, but i couldn't eat a whole one, and i'd need some masking tape
wouldn't i in case they burst HAHAHAHA JOKE!!!!!! so, fancy coming out to dinner with me on saturday
night? i promise i won't poison you HAHAHAHA HAVE YOU EVER FUCKED YOUR DAD??"
jean_grellie
29/07/04 16:50
- Morning all
I am looking and feeling bee-yooo-ti-ful. Last night, I flew from Mcr to Heathrow -
my orginal flight was cancelled because of the weather, so they put me on the next one which was then
delayed by 2 hours. Upon arriving in London village 3 hours later than planned, I was so tired and
rundown that my allergies kicked in and my left eye swelled up and left me looking like i'd spent yet
another night with Lee Chapman. This morning, on my way to the station, I tripped over a wire hoop thing
that was lying in the street, fell flat on my face and gashed both my knees. I'm now wearing a very
fetching blood-spattered white skirt, my knee has swollen like a balloon and I'm contempleting hiring a
wheelchair just so that I can totally master the Leslie Ash look. :(
On the plus side, I did sit and watch Eastenders in the BMI lounge with Sean Ryder. :)
kate_brush 06/08/04
10:02
- I love you Grellie, I love you Grellie, I love you Grellie,
GoldCD 10/08/04 16:03
- Mr Deadfred of this parish
is delighted to announce that at 11.44 this morning, arrived a 7.2lb boy and a 7.1lb girl,
mother & babies in fine health!
baconmcdouble 10/08/04
17:07
- AgentP, I have made one for it. Please send me �300.
golostruda 16/08/04 13:20
- thanks guys
you are all ace.
I will try to think of good things for the rest of the day, like our new house. I just hope we can
still have it now.
Finger extra special doubly crossed please :o)
barbird 24/08/04 09:20
- Right, for those who missed it earlier
freeradical 02/09/04 22:19
- Molly is ill :(
She has a chest infection which is why she coughed up blood. She is on antibiotics and now
tucked up in her cot, asleep with her favourite teddy bear. Hopefully she will be ok in a couple of
days.
drkilldare 13/09/04 12:52
- oh brian you were always there
the press attacks? you didn't care
you made a son, in your own mould
but he was pony, truth be told
you liked a drink...
who doesn't? *clink*
now you are dead, and louis weeps
in his heart you'll live for keeps
i grieve too, tonight i'll be tipsy
toasting when you smacked that gypsy
bishibashi 20/09/04 15:01
- What REALLY fucks me off
is that when we have these big, long, ongoing argument posts - it takes me fucking ages to
scroll down to my last post, or indeed any of my earlier ones, to see if I received any karma or
not
It makes the disappointment all the more crushing when I find that I haven't
thecustardmonkey
23/09/04 15:55
- To end the controversy over the identity of those bosoms
(there's clearly no shirt-potato famine in Ireland) I have combined all known photos of
council and used sophisticated Interpol-style imaging software to fill in the blanks.
09/03/04 12:40
- Tonight Matthew, I have a certain level of schadenfreude...
Ex MrsV has been dumped by the bloke she left me for two and a half months ago...
*Smiles Wryly*
AndyV 12/05/04 21:33
- This morning on the way to work
I was stuck in a big ol' traffic jam. I was singing along to the radio when the driver of
the lorry next to me wound down his window and said 'do you know you can't sing very well'
I told him to fuck off and carried on singing and he said it again. I told him to fuck off again,
but he said it again, so I turned down the radio and was about to have a massive go at him about how I'm
not doing anyone any harm and my singing isn't *that* bad and he said it again. What he was actaully
saying was 'do you know this area very well?'
He was asking for directions :(
spij_cat 18/05/04 09:45
- PB style blind item that's too good for PB:
One of the actresses up here was at Edinburgh University where she was in a show with a
tosser with long hair and a goatee. Or "the cast wanker" as he was described by the company.
Anyway, at the last night party he dragged her upstairs and pounced, utterly against her will. She
eventually managed to fight him off, having utterly failed to feel all the love in the room.
The next day she got to her usual pub and found him sitting there with a glass of wine and a rose,
apologising for his actions and claiming that it was because 'He was so desperately in love with her',
rather than because he had made a drunken, slightly rapey pass at her.
Oh, and he didn't write 'Colourblind' either, he nicked it from a Uni friend who he used to be in a
band with, whom he employed as his PA to pay him off.
tinyfecklesschild 09/06/04
11:56
- whether it's him or not
the sentiment is the same.
baconmcdouble 07/07/04
10:23
- I signed on to that dating website advertised on PB
Mostly for the free wine voucher *no, really, honest, protests too much* and the first
person that came up under a search was my sister :-(
*feels really ill*
majorbloodnok 22/07/04 16:45
- Top Tips
if you slip in the shower, fall and fuck up your lower back. no matter how much of a
struggle or pain it is, put on both underpants and trousers before going to A&E. this avoids a certain
amount of embaressment when confronted with a very attractive young lady doctor with visible cleavage
who askes you to lower you trousers and then says' well theres certainly no nerve damage there'.
(torn ligaments, brused spine, prescription strength co-codomol)
unclemoo 16/08/04 12:55
- I've just been crying at my desk.
IN front of my boss.
I am now woried I will be transfered tp another dept at the very best.
My new boss doesn't seem to care that I only had 31/2 days handover, keeps piling the work on, and
then gets a little egdy when I haven't done it all as quickly as he'd like.
I feel like a right failer :*(
Really sorry about the needy thing again. I just need reminding all is not too bad :)
For those who aren't sure how menkle I am, rest assured I can be OK. Just a bit of a bad patch.
Spankie 18/08/04 15:35
- The ol' fella (my Dad, not my cock)
is under the knife today having a cancerous cyst removed :(
cachemonkey 24/08/04
09:44
-
Mr & Mrs Puppy S. Hunter
--
This Orange Multi Media Message was sent wirefree from an Orange
MMS phone. If you would like to reply, please text or phone the
sender directly by using the phone number listed in the sender's
address. To learn more about Orange's Multi Media Messaging
Service, find us on the Web at www.orange.co.uk/mms
baconmcdouble 04/09/04
17:52
- Cunt boss called barbloke back.
Apparently he doesn't owe him anymore money.
So we're fucked then.
Great.
barbird 07/09/04 21:12
- �9 for a white russian, Bacon,
NINE QUID. If I pay �9 fer a drink, I want it to wank me off in the bogs, after.
burt_girth 15/09/04 10:36
- well it made me chuckle
matt 16/09/04 10:15
- A moment of crushing bathos earlier.
I was outside my front door, trying to get it open. The lock was fucked. As me and my
landlord's son tried to gain entry, one of the young carpenter types from his furniture shop came over
to us and asked me, "Are you married?" I blushed and said I wasn't. He replied, "Good, because I think
you are lovely and very pretty." My day made, I turned to the landlord's son and asked, "Is he always
this randomly flirtatious?"
The landlord's son exoceted straight back, "He suffers from a mild form of autism." And went back to
waggling the key in the lock.
gladysemmanuelle 16/09/04 17:03
- I had a very brief meeting with Parisian MD this afternoon.
I got straight to the point and told him I wasn't going to accept the job offer. He asked
me why and I told him I was 'sick'. He asked what was wrong so I jokingly told him I was having an
affair with my sister. He didn't laugh. Then I just told him it was 'headaches'. He wasn't too
impressed.
Anyway.. So we say our goodbyes and I walk about ten steps away and he calls me back. As I turn
around I slip on a manhole cover in the pavement and end up on my back with my legs splayed all over the
place like a molested camel. He comes running over to help me but I'm picked up by some elderly lady
that says 'Oh I fall over all the time.. Don't worry'. And there's a whole busload of kids laughing at
me.
How was your day?
burnvictim 22/09/04
16:38
- some people
are so stupid, a work colleague didnt beleiveme when i told him about the sms to land line
thing, so i told him to send ' you are a cunt' to the bosses landline. so he did.
unclemoo 24/09/04
15:46
- when i was 18 months and my brother was a newborn
my mum was feeding him and i was jealous so i started messing around with a plug socket,
cos i knew i mustn't. "stop bishi, come here" said mum but i kept fiddling about until she put my bro
down on the sofa and came over to pick me up. QUICK AS A FLASH i ran past her and sunk my new teeth into
his fat fucking leg the mumstealing cunt.
bishibashi 01/10/04 11:33
- A friend of mine in west London has just had a new loft extension built
and has a lovely new bathroom up there too. As is often the case in conversions the waste
pipes are thinner than on the lower floors and so something called a macerator-pump is installed,
basically it's a blender for turds and bog-roll. He fitted his himself, and wired it the wrong way.
Imagine how he discovered this fact.
Chopper3 05/10/04 10:09
- my tube story
i was going to stay with my boyfriend for the weekend, so had a rucksack on my back - the
tube was quite crowded so i had to push on a little bit - this clearly annoyed the man in front of me
who *tsk*ed and moaned - i was listening to my walkman so wasn't taking any notice of him - as the tube
was coming into his station, he started turning round, using his elbows and barging me out of the way -
i must have *tsk*ed him because he said in a loud voice "IF YOU WEREN'T SO FAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PUSH
YOU OUT OF THE WAY WOULD I?" - i just stared at him, shocked and appalled (and a little bit embarrassed)
but then thought to myself - the fucking cheeky git - so as he got off the tube and onto a crowded
platform i tapped him on the shoulder and said "OI, I'M ONLY FAT BECAUSE EVERY TIME I FUCK YOUR WIFE SHE
GIVES ME A BISCUIT" he went bright red - and even redder when people around him started laughing at him
- and when i turned back, a little irish man gave me a wink and said "nice one" :D
05/03/04 11:10
- and you just HAVE to create a new post every time, dontcha?
needyneedyneedyneedy
10/03/04 12:31
- So.
Some cunts broke into my grans house and emptied all the drawers. I'm furious. They didn't
take anything but they must know that the house is empty and I'm really worried that they'll go back for
bigger things like furniture and my rockig horse that I've had since I was 4 :o{
barbird 06/07/04 14:20
- *Newsflash*
There is a slim chance that my employment may yet be saved!
EDIT: All I need to do now is get my case in Peterhead sorted pronto tomorrow, and I can see them in
pm
Baudolino 14/07/04 16:55
- Right, I'm going.
Fingers crossed for the next 3 and a half hours please x
Cheeks 18/08/04 13:27
- For Matt
When I was 19 I went out with a lovely girl called Alice who was very clever and
far to good for me really.
We were due to go to a festival together but at the last minute she
could not go. She gave me her ticket and lent me her sleeping bag, the one one we were due to share
together.
I have never once been in a relationship and remained festival, and on day four of the fest' I
gave into temptation and ended up tangling with a 14 year old girl in the aforementioned sleeping
bag. At some point, during the throws of passion I we ended up rolling into a candle flame and
setting the sleeping bag alight.
A week further on my girlfiend and I were discussing our
future. We were both due to go to university but in different towns. I told her that we were better
off apart as I could not trust myself alone, and confessed the above. She was understandably upset.
I,completley earnestly, said the only way I could stay faithful was to marry her, and proposed. She
turned me down, unsuprisingly, understanding that trust should come before engagement and not
after.
Then followed two weeks of splitting up and getting back together.
We decided that we
would go on holiday together as we had planned this and saved. At some point in the holiday we
witnessed a proposal on top of the Eifel Tower (but that is another story).
We lasted until the
last night of the holiday when we had a row and split up 'for good'. Then we drank two bottles of
champagne on the veranda to cheer ourselves up. She even, as a symbol of our enduring friendship,
showed me what she looked like without her false tooth (she had had an expensive and realistic tooth
fitted after a bike accident when she was eleven). As we were drunk and in fine spirits we decided
to have one last night of passion. And this is the only time in my life I have had sex eight times
in a row.
plastic-wood
23/08/04 17:11
- a story in honour of jean_grellie
at a company christmas party about 5 years ago ( black tie, funfair, casino etc) bishi was
getting along very well with a young lady from marketing, his game raised due to herculean james bond
style scrubbing up. he watched the fair damsel take a turn on the waltzers with a colleague and when the
music stopped she ran, giddy and giggling, into his waiting arms and bent forward to whisper in his ear
"FAHKIN ELL I VOMMED A BIT WHEN I WOZ ON THERE BUT ISSALRIGHT COS NAH I'VE SWALLERED IT DAHN!".
bishibashi made his excuses and left.
after giving her a quick one behind the taxi rank, to be polite.
bishibashi 27/08/04 12:34
- On the subject of awful things that happen in the supermarket
A few years back I was buying some food in Tescos and amongst my shopping was just one
carrot, as that was all I needed for the recipe I was making.
At the checkout I was served by quite a young bloke and we got talking. He came to weigh my carrot
and said "just one?...what's that for then?" and gave me a knowing look. I nearly died of shame :(
blacktype 01/09/04 13:55
- *despairs*
Bloke I Work With Called Tony "Was it Gary Coleman who played Arnold in Diff'rent
Strokes?"
Me "Watchoo talkin' 'bout Tony?"
Bloke I Work With Called Tony "Diff'rent Strokes. Was his name Gary Coleman?"
ginger 08/09/04 12:35
- just checking...
I think I did a really nice thing today...
All weekend my mate colin was saying how his daughters want to do a spanish course (they are 6 and 8
and I am their surrogate uncle) but it was �70 each...
He is my bestest mate, but very tight...
and he was having second thoughts...
but as it was both their birthdays recently, I left them 2 cheques for �70 each, and a letter
telling them that if they want to do the spanish course, they can, but if they don't, buy themselves
something nice (I cleared it with their dad first)
AndyV 13/09/04 20:49
- My 'unintentional' skydiving story.
I used to do a lot of para-gliding. Once when I was in Olu Deniz(sp) Turkey, I borrowed a
mates Tandem Glider, got a lift to the top of the mountain (about 2500m) and ran off , because of the
conditions and the size of the wing (good for 200kg) It was very easy to gain a lot of height and I was
soon playing around at 3500m. a parapente wing is made up of lots of cells and need to be constantly
travelling into the wind to stay'inflated' and flyable, I over compensated at the end of a spiral dive
and turned the wing up-hill, causing it to deflate and stall. To get out of a stall you need to yank the
risers, causing the wing to 'scoop' some air and re-inflate,. I was in such a shitty stall that the wing
had collapsed completely and I had to cut out and throw the reserve, Because the reserve is
un-steerable, and because it was a big fucker (with a very low sink rate), and because I was over the
sea I didn't throw the reserve until I was at about 600m, giving me what seemed like an eternity in
freefall. To say I was scared is a fucking huge understatement. Poor ex-mrs B witnessed the whole event
from the beach and had to endure me screaming like a girl into the radio. Neither of us could speak for
hours after I landed.
Edit: To cap it all off, was when i was coming down on the reserve, I was drifting inland and landed
about 50 m short of a sub power-station
basket 16/09/04 15:51
- You have a PXT from +6421-666-666
cloven I say, CLOVEN
staples 22/09/04 11:51
- #I wish it could be Zig's death every dayeeee#
stoaty 24/09/04 14:54
- ugh
naked 24/09/04 16:57
- Funny you should mention that, Oral...
Oral in a World Of Cheese...
smoomonster 28/09/04 12:09
- very
i have been to flid
matt 04/10/04 14:22
- _rr
r_r 07/10/04 16:02
- Can we all stop being horrible to council_slag, or she might leave
and we'd lose the local council grant we receive for letting her post here
24/02/04 15:54
- As requested
19/03/04 11:06
- Because they are animals. And here's a map to prove it:
20/04/04 13:00
- can someone please cheer me up
my mother was given the 'we've tried everything now' speech by my fathers main doctor last
night (however there is a slim chance that chemo on his spleen might prolong things I'll findout on
friday)... and I've been given the task of emailling my little brothers university tutors explaining the
'situation'
:(
_piss_artist_ 20/05/04 11:57
- More Iraqi abuse pictures slipping out...
freeradical 21/05/04 14:26
- Predictogirthpostomatic9000XL
burt_girth 10/06/04 15:24
- make each slide a recent photo of a board member's child being dropped off at school.
say nothing. don't make eye contact. leave the room immediately after the final slide.
bishibashi 06/07/04 13:06
- One day i put my trainers on and went to college. I felt
something in the bottom of the trainers I was wearing, but thought nothing of it - thought
it was a tissue and decided to wait until I got home.
I while later I noticed a smell. I thught it was my stinky teenage feet and thought I could tackle
it when I got home.
I got home, took off my trainers, and went to pull out the bit of tissue that had been bothering me
all day. It wasn't a tissue afterall, but a present from one of my parent's cats - a dead mouse :(
NEXT!
Spankie 15/07/04 15:18
- I know it's kind of a double-post
but I thought I'd give all of you with a colour printer something to stand on your desks
this afternoon
Chopper3 28/07/04 12:21
- I'm 'wearing' a curtain of blankets stolen from the homeless
it's been held up by six hovering crows moving with me in perfect unison. Quite a sight!
oh and I've glued rich tea biscuits to my bare feet
booty 30/07/04 11:48
- I am having a horrible day.
I woke up this morning feeling like an elephant had been sitting on my chest all night and
then I fell back to sleep until 9 and when I got up I realised I couldn't find my fob for work and I
spent ages looking for it and couldn't find it anywhere so I went to the bus stop and then realised I'd
forgotten to take my pill, so had to go back home again to take it and then I missed the bus so I
decided to walk and when I went past the next bus stop there was no body there so I figured it had gone
past already and just when I was an equal distance between that stop and the next one it sailed past so
I had to walk and I was late and the girl I had to cover for yesterday is still off sick and the new
girl who covered for me on monday and tues made LOADS of mistakes which I now have to clear up becuase
she hasn't been trained properly and I still feel crap and it's all hot and muggy and I want to cry. The
end.
barbird 05/08/04 10:54
- Ode to Gold CD by P S Hunter
The lad he came from Stockport, a town famed for nasty weather,
a viaduct and the factory where they make Imperial Leather.
When he was a little one girls gave him scant attention
His balls would ache from all that excess built-up sexual tension.
Then he met a girl called Spanks, they liked each other rather,
and one night the lad said to her: "May I release the lather?"
puppyshunter
12/08/04 12:12
- I've been offered a jaunty het
with a built in sandwich for �7000. Trouble is I have no money. Should I get it?
tinyfecklesschild 16/08/04
13:02
- Morning!
It's MY BIRTHDAY today. Ummm, that's all really.
mrs.maplebeck 18/08/04 10:46
- "nah, never saw the point of getting married really..."
baconmcdouble 18/08/04
14:34
- Morning all
aks 26/08/04 09:31
- the unbearable incompetence of minions
i wanted a minion in bristol at 9.30 this morning, this involved him getting the 7.50
train from paddington at the latest. i told him about this last thursday, signed a petty cash form etc
etc. at 8.20 this morning i got a text from him saying "still at paddington, train is �98, i only have
�20. what shall i do?"
30 fucking years old this soontobefireduselessmotherfucker is. 30.
bishibashi 06/09/04 11:21
- My Three Things. By Delilah
1. i'm a brummie
2. i'm naturally very lazy and right now want nothing more than to go back to bed
3. i make a mean salsa
4. I'm crap with numbers
delilah
07/09/04 08:49
- Michael Jackson's love of children soon turned to hatred
pen2k 07/09/04 22:43
- How important is your contribution at work?
My boss has just come in and welcomed me back from holiday. I haven't been yet....this is
my last day. :o(
dixon_cox 14/09/04 09:52
- yes
don't I look the dog's bollocks?
booty 15/09/04 11:31
- For anyone that cares..... here's the transcript of my
interview with Mishter Connery:-
Glybo: "Why has it taken you so long? Whey haven't you been back here?"
SEAN CONNERY: "Well where were you 12 years ago?"
Glybo: "I don't know."
SEAN CONNERY: "What were you doing?"
Glybo: "Still at school, yeah."
SEAN CONNERY: "At school. I've been working my arse off when you're at school. Terrific. And you
question me why I wasn't here. I've been all over the world working my arse off and you've done nothing.
I'm underwriting you. Do you know that?"
Glybo: "I know."
SEAN CONNERY: "OK how do you feel now?"
Glybo: "I feel awful, but how does it feel to be here?"
SEAN CONNERY: "It feels wonderful until I started to talk to you."
Glybo: "Now you'll put your handprint in the cement later. Is that something you're accustomed to or
is it quite a surreal thing to do?"
SEAN CONNERY: "No I only found out about that when I was coming up here so I'm going to do it after
I talk to you."
Glybo: "Does it mean a lot to leave your imprint here in Leicester Square?"
SEAN CONNERY: "Er, not really no. But they've asked me to do it and I don't find anything
problematic about it so I'm doing it."
Glybo: "And finally, all these reports that you had trouble with the director, have you buried the
hatchet yet?"
SEAN CONNERY:"In his head."
glybo 20/09/04 11:50
- *tries to unite footie crowd and geeks alike*
Death would I. Overshadowed by shit DVD launch do you.
staples 20/09/04 15:27
- george, from the famous five
i'm not very girly, i'm not very ladylike, i'm good at detecting and i LOVE dick
jean_grellie
21/09/04 12:57
- some of you may remember that one of my cousins topped herself a few months back
i've just been sent a sort of online sponsored run from some of her friends who are doing
a marathon to raise money for MIND or summat. The sponsorship form contains at least 3 anonymous
donations of �50, and one of �100. I think that's kind of amazing really.
baconmcdouble 21/09/04
21:28
- Been Flicks
louis 23/09/04 12:19
i am not coming to vegas
here are some reasons:
i promised my poker buddies that when i go we'll all go.
bishimissy is not that keen BUT I COULD GO IF I WANTED.
it is inconveniently timed workwise.
i am a pussy.
thanks
x
stoaty 27/09/04 12:21
- i think my mum may be about to write me out of her will.
she just texted me to say her support group thing (she is a gay rights activist type)was
starting a martial arts self defense class for the lady gays
i texted back 'min-jitsu?'
no response yet.
unclemoo 28/09/04
16:42
- Tentackles.
I went to Liberties once with a friend of mine and a load of braying cunt IT recruitment
people she worked with (the same ones Burt once encountered socially, IIRC).
Anyway, the braying cunts were particularly shitfaced and annoying. When we got to 'Berties, the
star turn was none other than 80s singing sensation Kenny 'Thinkin' Bout Your Love' Thomas.
It was a bit sad, the place was almost empty and he was singing to an empty dancefloor.
One of the braying cunts decided to spend about three of the songs stood right at the front of the
dance floor, laughing and making wanker signs at Kenny Thomas.
He didnt do anything for a few songs, then without saying a word, put his microphone down, calmly
approached said braying cunt and punched him right across the dance floor, one shot, down he went (think
he was once a boxer), then walked back, picked up his mic and carried on singing.
Braying cunt was carried out unconscious by bouncers. Very amusing.
stoaty 01/10/04 12:03
- I went to a wedding where the groom was obsessed with WWII (not Stoaty btw)
the reception was held in an old aircraft hanger, the bride, groom, parents and main
guests were dressing in 40's clothes, the tables were tressles, the food was 40's style, there was a
big-band and there were old planes in the corners of the hangar. What really finished it off way that
their first dance was the theme from the dambusters to which the bride and groom danced to by circling
each other with their arms stretched out making plane noises. My jaw was on the floor.
Chopper3 07/10/04 09:32
- By popliar demand n'that
05/03/04 16:29
- inevitably
can we still do "Endless Love?"
25/03/04 12:29
- From what people is saying, this is what I imagine Farringdon to look like...
golostruda 17/05/04 11:35
- The part they didn't want you to see
it's tits again btw
smer 21/05/04 12:54
- Foot in mouth story.
A Few weeks ago I went for a beer near my office with an old school friend of mine. He is
a Black guy and coincidentally his surname is also Black. His nickname is 'Blacky' and has been for
about 25 years. I refered to him as 'Blacky' all evening. After a few hours heavy boozing Blacky was at
the bar, a collegue of mine shouted to him across the bar "Hey Darky, get us a pint". The whole place
went silent, I asked my collegue what the fuck did he think he was doing?
He told me "bbbbut you've been calling him that all night"
oh how we laughed.
basket 21/05/04 15:31
- *thoroughly put in my place*
i just walked past some workmen, one said "wouldn't mind doing that" to his mate. i said
"dream on", the builder said "wasn't talking about you"...i turned around and then noticed the nice
looking girl just behind me...the workmen laughed as i ran away as fast as i could :-(
lovebug 09/06/04 13:50
- I GOT THE JOB
Cheeks 09/06/04 14:36
- grellie
i just answered the phone and said "good penguin" cos i was reading your post at the same
time! the bloke on the other end went into hysterics. and has just 'shared' it with one of the
architects.
i am now a laughing stock.
lovebug 11/06/04 16:32
- QUEENIE, caravan (n�e Sandybanks)
Passed away Monday afternoon after a brief illness and a brave fight. Mother to YMQueenie,
partner of Mr Queenie and sometimes lover of tinyfecklesschild and the sauce, she will be dearly missed
by maybe one or two at a push.
No fucking flowers.
brothelcreeper 14/06/04 14:25
- Councilslag, combining your two loves
staples
23/06/04 16:46
- Mention of Ian McCulloch below has reminded me.
When I was about 14/15 my mates and I used to take the short train journey to either
Manchester or Liverpool almost every Saturday. Once there we'd visit the sort of places 14/15 year olds
flocked to like Aflex Palace (sp?), Probe Records and Games Workshop (don't ask). One time we all set
off for Liverpool quite early and decided to get some breakfast inside us as soon as we got there.
Shunning the unwelcoming caffs near Liverpool Street Station we headed off towards the very dodgy
"Soldier Of Fortune" shop and found a nice place nearby. As soon as we entered we all spotted Ian McC
and the sadly-departed Pete Defraitis at an adjacent table, not one of us could take our eyes off them
for longer than a few seconds. After a minute or two Ian McC shouts at us to come over and tells us that
if we're going to stare at him we might as well sit down and have a chat. So we charge over to sit next
to them and a funny and fascinating 45 minutes later they have to go, but not without paying for all of
our food and shaking each of our hands. I will forever believe that he is a total gentleman and quite a
role-model.
Bit of a rant sorry, but I feel all happy for telling it.
Chopper3 08/07/04 20:56
- I have access to the new server
*excited*
It's all ours, everything will be fast, it'll never crash and man with live in harmony with the
planet forevermore.
GoldCD 14/07/04 19:10
- the most disgusting thing happened to me on saturday
i was clearing out a load of stuff from my flat and had a big bag to take down to put in
the dustbin - i thought "i'll nip to waitrose while i'm down there, kill two birds with one stone" - the
bag was really heavy and it was just about to rain, i managed to take the lid of the dustbin off, but
the bag slipped out of my hands and fell into the dustbin - splashing me from head to toe in the most
vile, disgusting, stinky dustbin juice - stupidly, i decided that i would carry on and visit waitrose,
but the stench, it was HORRID, like the smelliest tramp IN THE WORLD - i got half way round waitrose
before i started gagging, i had to put my basket down, run home, strip off and get in the shower before
i puked everywhere :(
jean_grellie
19/07/04 10:04
- and, and, and
it's perfect for milk sheiks
louis 21/07/04 14:15
- hey everyone
I'm going to become a Business development Manager instead of an officer. there will be
minions. My excitment knows no bounds ;)
spicey 22/07/04 16:56
- Am I too late?
It does say turmoil on the hat...
But I couldn't be fucked to do the eyes...
If i worked for anyone else but myself, I'd have to sack me...
AndyV 28/07/04 13:05
- "No, Godzilla, BEHIND YOU!!!"
freeradical 02/08/04 21:14
- I am promoted (a very little bit)
as of Sept 1st - meeting this week to sort out my raise.
*is very chuffed*
mordant_shorts 03/08/04 12:52
- Repost :o)
This guy I knew had previously turned me down.
His friend pestered me to give him a chance, as we'd both fancied each other for ages (he turned me
down cos he was pissed and scared of making a tit of himself).
Because I was still pasty I used fake tan for the very first time. I didn't wash it off my palms
after I used it and it stained my hands orange. I was worried, but thought that if he can see the funny
side he was worth it.
We met up at lunch on the Jubilee weekend, which turned to dinner, which turned to a club.
I turned up and he was chatting to an old lady. I turned up, made a joke about my hands, he laughed
:D Best ice-break ever!!
After lunch (well a bottle of wine between us on the outside bit of Gordons Wine Bar) we walked to
South Bank and shared our first kiss - and giggled as we compared the shade of my orange palms to the
loud shirts of Yankie tourists.
I remember gazing lovingly into his eyes over dinner. I had never felt so relaxed and calm on a
date. I think I knew then and there he was wonderful, and possibly 'the one'.
It was GoldCD.
Spankie 03/08/04 13:59
- apropos of nothing much
A friend on the hen weekend I have just been on was talking about when she temped at a
sexual health clinc. She was doing an initial interview/assesment with a young girl who had come in and
asked her what kind of sex (oral, etc.) she had had. The response she got, in broadest Barnsley, was
"well, it were alright, I s'pose"
blacktype 04/08/04 15:05
- Airhorn? Pah!
GoldCD 13/08/04 16:22
- Let's ask him:
"STELIOS!
Yes, Geoff Conker, BP Examiner. What's your obsession with Milton Keynes all about? you
tosser"
"Hwell, ever since I young boy, I feel for little person, innit? See, when I play
internet, I see poster "spoonable cheese" and he, like small boy in my village, have time hard coming in
Milton Keynes, so I thought "milton! innit!" and start fancy bus"
burt_girth 17/08/04 12:47
- ?
EDIT: *looks down* seems I was close enough
staples
17/08/04 15:25
- Minor piece of PINKMAN! news.
He was playing with a little friend in the garden and the friend suggested they go next
door to see another kiddie..
"Oh no" said PINKMAN!, "let's not go there. They believe in God".
deadfred 19/08/04 13:37
- what a day already
looks like my dad is about to pop his clogs. I haven't spoken to him for nine years for
his sheer cuntiness to me, I'm now being hounded by my family for not going to see him in
hospital...what a nightmare :(
DBE 24/08/04 11:31
- Do you ever get the feeling you should be kept inside
for the safety of other people?
We were in the pub last night and a girl came to sit with us as she was on her own, waiting for a
friend. Anyway. Another mate of ours turned up completely hammered. He's a bit *gropey* and one of the
first things he said was that he thought the girl had good tits. So in the end she went to sit somewhere
else, poor thing. Barbloke and friend tried to explain to him that you can't just *do* that to people
you have just met but he wasn't taking it on so I interjected with "You know when you go to someone's
house for the first time and their dog won't stop humping your leg? That's YOU."
He went and apologised. I felt dreadful.
barbird 25/08/04 13:21
- I just knocked this up in MS Paint
booty 27/08/04 11:19
- Hurrah! I have finished my Kong movie and I have a voice credit too.
Slightly more exciting, the Producer LOVES me and wants me to do his next film. it's going
to be about animated robots.
with Peter Jackson.
*wees quite a fucking lot*
baconmcdouble 27/08/04
16:34
- I think it's deeper than that.
Think about it,
The Dodo died, Dodi died,, Di Died, then Dando died....
I'm laying 5 to1 Dido doesn't see xmas.
basket 01/09/04 17:17
- Things I learned this weekend
When a wedding invitation says "4.30", it doesn't actually mean "arrive in a taxi at
exactly 4.30" because if you do that you force the car behind to brake sharply as you turn in to the
church. Unfortunately, in my case, the car behing carried the bride and she ended up poking herself in
the eye with lip gloss.
bewilderedben 06/09/04 16:14
- Right - I'm off to get properly Birthday pissed -
Those of you who are meeting tonight - be nice, and have fun - sorry i couldn't come out.
See you all on Monday....
Corporal_quim_trimmer 09/09/04
16:51
- Those I owe money to
will be pleased to learn that I start work tomorrow at a fab pr agency - initially on a
one month project - but earning 20% more than I was before. Hehe
boris 21/09/04 15:28
- Molly is veh sick
I took her to the doc for the 3rd time since Friday. She has Bronchiolitis again (which
put her in hospital for 5 days when she was 11 weeks old). She is really wheezing. I really hope she can
fight it herself. She is in bed, asleep but coughing a lot. PoorthelittleMolly.
drkilldare 21/09/04 19:19
- I'd bum a tramp, face down in vomit, for 50p
so, yes.
burt_girth 22/09/04 11:48
- EIN ZWEI DREI
TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO
booty 24/09/04 14:17
Dear Classical FM
I am one of your most loyal listeners but
why do you have to play adverts!!!
Especially that one with that geordie on it. The man sounds like a lunkhead. I presume this thickie
is from that part of the globe ie Newcastle.
There is surely no need to have such
accents broadcast on the radiowaves. The licence fee should cover your costs without having to
resort to this shilly-shallying around!!!
Yours
Charles Frampton (aged 69)
Portland
Dorset
matt 28/09/04 09:57
- need
got
need
matt 07/10/04 16:28
- Bit of politics...
10/03/04 13:51
- *SCREAM*
I got the job :-)
15% more money and I'm starting on the 29th March
I'd like to thank all the mongs for their support, with special thanks to Brumdee, Petrie and
Missjones for their guidance
10/03/04 14:40
- righto
I have had my call to go in to the emergency gyne clinic for my scan but I have been
warned they are very busy and it could take a while :(
I may be some time...
14/04/04 09:16
- weeing on public transport
a few years ago after a fab clarrsy night at Bar Salsa on CX Rd, I had to leg it to
Waterloo at catch the last train to Guildford, where I lived at the time. On account of drinking many
bottles of Dos Equis and not having "broken the seal", time eventually came where I needed to pee big
time. I walked up and down the train looking for the bog, but it was one of those sliding door
nightmares. After the train had left Leatherhead and was pretty much empty, I employed the use of a
McDonald's shake cup (large obv) into which I could empty my now painfully throbbing bladder. When done,
in my drunkeness I thought that I couldn't just leave it sitting there, as someone might see it (despite
the fact I'd just sat there with my cock out for a wee of lovebug duration). So I think it'd be best to
throw it out of the small window that barely opens near the top of the carriage wall - from a moving
train. I encountered what could only be described as "blowback" :(
22/04/04 11:15
- Jesus
Looks like someone else got there before me:
http://www.isleptwithbeckham.com/show_lover.asp?id=327
(OF)
22/04/04 12:17
- one of many,
More than a few moons ago whilst working in a french ski resort,I bought my self a very
cheap zippo style lighter.I perfected the techniquie of setting it alight using a double swipe against
my thigh (first swipe to flip the lid, second swipe to turn the flint wheel thingy)A while later whilst
standing in the bar apres ski in my instructors uniform, with a decent tan and Oakleys perched twatishly
on my head, a very pretty girl asked me for a light, Siezing the opportunity to impress the knickers off
her I performed my new fancy move, The first swipe cracked the housing of the lighter spilling fuel onto
my salopettes, the second swipe set fire to them and my hand, Screaming like a bitch I threw the lighter
on the floor and stamped on it with my ski boot. The lighter burst completely setting fire to a 1m
diameter area of floor with me in the middle desperately trying to put out my burning polyester
salopettes. By which point the pretty girl was crying with laughter and the rest of the bar was singing
(in the style of Springsteen) # ooooh, oooh, oooh, pants on fire#
23/04/04 11:10
- Stevie Wonder?
28/04/04 13:17
- They're right about the Royal Mail, you know.
They lose loads of letters. I've just been on holiday with my mate Daly (you might
remember his dad Danny Mirror, who had a hit with 'I Remember Elvis Presley' in 1977). We went on an
Outward Bound course where half of us dress as soldiers and the other half as Iraqi footballers. It was
great fun, hitting each other in the testicles with toy guns and everything. I got some great photos. I
sent him the best ones last Wednesday, first class. Have they arrived? Have they cobblers.
I tell you, when those photos turn up, the shit's going to hit the fan. Mark my words.
04/05/04 09:25
- and now a peek into hox's brain 5 hours from now
dontsayanythingstupiddontsayanythingstupid
dontsayanythingstupiddontsayanythingstupid
dontsayanythingstupiddontsayanythingstupid
"so have you ever fucked your dad?"
06/05/04 16:34
- SCREAMSCREAMSCREAMSCREAMSCREAM
hello, it is me bishibashi SOON TO BE STARTING A NEW JOB and even sooner to be getting
totally fucking shitfaced in a farringdon bar.
yay the me!
bishibashi 14/05/04 09:18
- Right Fuckers--write this down Mrs B may ask questions.
Custard- you are my financial advisor, we met at Ascot last year when you were with a
collegue of mine.
Grellie- you work for Custard in the Canteen.
Queenie- you are a friend of my brothers from when you both worked for TBWA
Boris- you are queenies' child on work experience
Bacon, you are a heating engineer, you came for a drink cos I still owe you for my new boiler.
Freerad-you are a image consultant for national Express
Bishi--you are a ..
Christ this is never gonna fucking work.
basket 11/06/04 17:01
- Have a look at Molly
She has a new toy (a disco drum) and a new bike helmet.
EDIT: She is 8 months old this week.
mutha 15/06/04 13:04
- I've just made my first animated gif.
GoldCD 24/06/04 23:52
- and still they come...
staples
25/06/04 11:28
- My uncle's just died of a heart-attack :(
He was riding a motorbike to the arctic circle at the time
cachemonkey 04/07/04 18:07
- Righto -
Im off - its been fun. Hope this place cheers up a bit, and gets as friendly as it used to
be. Those of you that know me have my details - mail me, and stay in touch. Maybe i'll pop in sometime
and see how you are all doing. Take care - and be nice to each other.
Simon x
Corporal_quim_trimmer 07/07/04
16:44
- If BobPitch were a photo
ginger 09/07/04 15:41
- iplayed a very out of date advert once by accident. The ad told the listeners
that there was a fab sale on at a famous department store chain. When the staff from
various stores around the country started to phone me up saying they had listeners demanding 25% off i
told that the old twatters were mistaken and must have misheard or made it up. When the powers that be
went back and checked the tapes they7 couldn't find any evidence of the rogue ad. That's coz i had gone
back and edited the evidence away. ; )
matt 15/07/04 11:52
- haha, she is going to kill me for telling you all this, but I think it has to be shared
trip has just ended an email to a really important client 'see you later darling, love
you'
hahahahahahahahahahaha
spij_cat 28/07/04 16:04
- my bf sent an email to the entire southampton council office
saying:
'hello baby hows it going? i fucking hate it here...
bitch fanny flaps
tell flap daddy loves him
xx'
ps flap is the cat
bumhug 28/07/04 16:09
- hang on... computer game mum is in the building...
*dons hockey mask and leaps out from behind desk*
pen2k 29/07/04 12:30
- regarding hangovers and ribena
I once woke up a bit too early with a raging hangover and was really thirsty, I ambled
into the kitchen and had a look in the fridge and fancied some milk. I necked a pint of the milk and
shuffled back to bed and ent back to sleep.
A little bit later I woke up again and felt thirsty again so went and had a nice cold pint of
ribena, unfortuantely 2 minutes later this began to curdle in my tummy and I had to go and puke up a
great big load of purple cottage cheese :-(
NB no poo fell out my bumhole while I was puking
louis 30/07/04 16:14
- fiddlesticks
so when i went out to get a sammidge(beef and orseradish) loads of the 'ladies' were
giving me the eye and the once over
obviously this made me feel even cooler then usual and a little bit stiff in the pants.
It wasn't till i got back my office that i noticed i had ink all round my mouth and on my teeth : (
matt 02/08/04 14:00
- apropos graffitti
Somebody I know is an infamous Brighton based Graffitti artist.
Recently on the way
back from a night on the piss he and his mate stumbled across a man pissed and asleep on the
street
So they tagged him - on his shoes and his forehead
He wasn't asleep........He was dead
:(
The police have made an appeal for the friend in question to present himself to 'help with their
enquiries' :(
thecustardmonkey
04/08/04 09:54
- Here is Molly on my birthday
drkilldare 09/08/04 22:36
- So, you took her violently over a candlelit table?
burt_girth 18/08/04 13:04
- Andre 3000 finally gets slightly too flamboyant
staples
20/08/04 14:54
- Mrs DF and the rugrats. They're a bit publicity-shy
deadfred 21/08/04 16:54
- I was at a party in Islington. It was going well.
I snogged this blerk called Mark, who was rather dreamboat. But his girlfriend saw us and
they rowed and left :( So I was very very very drunk and caught eyes with this other blerk. He was cute.
We got talking in the kitchen. He was very tall, so I sat on the washing machine so we were more level.
We kissed. Next thing I had my hands down his trousers only to find padded cycling shorts! He explained
he was a courier. I managed to carry on, even though I was trying not to laugh. It got a bit heated, we
tried to shag with him standing up. Tried to, because a) the padded cycling shorts kept springing back
up in aborted castration attempts and b) we were in the kitchen and everyone kept popping in for a look
and a laugh. Anyway, it turned out he was 39 (I was 23 at the time). As I was so drunk, I couldn't work
out if we actually did manage to shag or not. I think I had my eyes shut for 4 hours. Next thing I
remember it was morning. My friends say it looked like it.
drkilldare 22/08/04 19:41
- *prances around in new shoes*
evening mongs. I've just been dumped *sympathy whore* :( EDIT - can I just say that he
dumped me for NO reason whatsoEVAH. We have just been away for the weekend and had a brilliant time :(
cornished 22/08/04 20:35
- Why women are annoying
They live in a world filled with misery, disease, inequality and suffering - and the thing
that distresses them is a man's method of eating a potato snack.
GoldCD 24/08/04 11:26
- My stupid rancid mother in law
is fucking off home tomorrow after 8 days of torture, 8 days of watching her slumped in
front of the telly, with a facial expression resembling that of a stroke victim, with her feigning
deafness every time you speak to her, with her muttering to herself, with her asking *continually*
through every television program 'who is that? who is she? what is happening here?', with her occupying
*MY* sofa all night, with her acting as if she can barely walk as she gets up to the kitchen (despite
the fact she has spent 6 or 7 hours every day since she has been here walking around shops).
8 days of ferrying the stupid bitch around like some sort of fucking taxi driver, listening to her
complain that now we have sold La Stoat's car, she doesn't have one to use when she comes over to visit
us, 8 days of her never, ever saying 'thank you' for anything whatsoever, of her never ever doing - or
even offering to do - the washing up, 8 days of her being the noisiest person on earth - slamming doors,
clattering around, scaring the cats to death.
8 days of her taking - and I kid you not - *3* hours to get ready every morning. 3 hours of banging
around, spraying silvikrin an inch thick over her stupid Doris Day style haircut, hairdryer clamped in
hand.
She is an ungrateful, self-centred, characterless, moody, unappealing bitch and I hate her.
I HATE HER
stoaty 24/08/04 23:25
- wooo
i was working until 12.45 this morning. at least I got a nice jag home. However, had to be
in on time to pick up a job that the chap who died had left unfinished on friday. It's a film trailer -
the film is called "Dead man's Shoes". Someone is taking the piss.....
baconmcdouble 25/08/04
09:47
- teddy bear's picnic
#if you go to the square mile today
you're sure of a big surprise
pop in and see basket, manning his desk
you'll never believe your eyes
he's placing bets on all that he sees
from racing frogs to spread of disease
cos that's the way he justifies his bowwwww nus#
bishibashi 27/08/04 14:08
- speaking of twats i the workplace
you'll recall that yesterday i had a meeting with my solicitor regarding my recent
departure from where i used to work. i showed him the text message i received on tuesday night from my
ex-boss, in which he apologised for what happened and said that he wished things had happened
differently (it all kicked off while he was holiday, but on account of his actions before he left)
i never thought i'd ever see a solicitor belm
toneknob 02/09/04 12:09
- Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
hoxton, and ginger, and idiotmittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things
Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels
Chavs sticking firework rockets up poodles
Genius concepts like tampons with wings
These are a few of my favourite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Motorway pile-ups and stock car race smashes
Phrases like �nob jockey� and �bingo wings�
These are a few of my favourite things
When the dog bites, when the bee stings
When Dyno-Rod have failed to turn up for three days running and there�s shit emptying into my back
garden
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad
.jpg)
cachemonkey 07/09/04
10:43
- It makes her a professional liar
a surgery abuser
and a fucking awful role model for women in their thirties, actually.
tinyfecklesschild 09/09/04
15:50
- emmental, lake and parmasan
brian 10/09/04 13:18
- Handy news tip
Don't get Arnhem and (bertie) Ahern mixed up otherwise you might illustrate a story about
Ulster and the Good Friday Agreement with British paratroopers.
pen2k 18/09/04 19:40
- hello my darlings
xx
spij_cat 22/09/04 12:08
- it is your friend testing you with her boyfs phone
she doesn't trust you and thinks you're a slut who's after her man. if i were you i would
arrange to meet her and then fucking glass the bitch, kick her unconscious and then squat over her head
and piss into her slashed up, forever ruined, face.
bishibashi 23/09/04 14:49
- RIGHT THEN
Anything that I use to take the piss out of someone for has been posted here (on a public
messageboard) by that person. If you're ashamed that you work for the Post Office, take your dog to the
pub, are secretly gay or whatever then DON'T WRITE IT ON THE INTERNET WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE.
Second I find it incredibly hypocritical to be accused of being "over-personal" when on a
daily basis I am accused of being gay (which I am not, never have been and never will be), a failure
(having dropped out of the most difficult uni course it is possible to do), ugly, big nosed etc etc. But
do I take it personally? Of course not. IOAMB.
The whole point of this place is that we can make jokes that we normally couldn't, laugh at stuff
that we normally shouldn't and flirt with people we normally wouldn't. And THAT IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT. If
we acted on BP with the same reserve as all of us do in a room full of strangers, it would be duller
than SSG's diary. So get over yourselves, or go somewhere else. And if all else fails, as spicey says,
it's really not that difficult just to skim over my posts if they offend you that much.
Zig FACT
zig_zag_zog 23/09/04 15:42
- 1,122,356
1,122,357
1,122.359
argh Ive lost my place now
1
2
3
ayuplass 24/09/04 11:12
- Ok sex cats, I am off down the pub. Wish me luck. Laters xx
golostruda 26/09/04 15:33
- Look on the brightside...
None-Vegas people; if they run true to form and spend all their time taking pics of each
other and fiddling with laptops, casino security will probably kick four shades of shite out of them
thinking its some sort of card-counting scam.
pen2k 27/09/04 13:36
- meanwhile in Brighton...
staples 28/09/04 11:15
- Fear the slj...
smoomonster 28/09/04 12:16
- i, for one get totally
fucked off with the googly eye thing
hyper_thyroid_ism 04/10/04 14:00
- I'm always slightly bemused
when I come back to the board after a bit.
People have still been using it, sharing the good stuff and venting about the crap of life.
I dunno....it's just nice and I love you all to bits.
GoldCD 09/10/04 23:17
- THIS is how much I used to like the Cure when I was 14 gladys
10/03/04 15:34
- News Just In
'Metric Matryr' Steve Thoburn has died.
The north-east greengrocer became famous for launching a legal battle when Trading Standards
officers caught him selling bananas by the pound.
Undertakers have announced that in an attempt to annoy old people, he is to be buried 1.8288 metres
under.
15/03/04 11:18
- oh dear
22/04/04 13:58
- PINKMAN! update:
A little out-of-date but I only just got it. When my sister was very pregnant with her
third child, PINKMAN! (then aged 3) and his older brother Joe (5) were told about the new baby growing
in mummy's tummy. One evening when my sister had undressed and was bending over the bath to get in she
turned around and saw the two little darlings with their heads cocked right over to one side looking up
her snatch. They almost jumped out of their skins when they saw the look on her face, and got flustered
trying to think of something to say.
PINKMAN! comes out with "Mum, I think I can see a foot".
23/04/04 15:15
- PB gold
A mate of mine used to have a job at Our Price circa 1989, and one of his responsibilities
was to put those little recommendation labels on the dance 12"s that read "Top choon - straight out of
Ghent" and "Menkol electro groooov" or whatever. He was sacked after attaching one to Jive Bunny's first
single consisting of the word "Shit"
26/04/04 12:02
- spiceydog update
if anyone cares
since she had an eye removed she has perked up x 1 000 000
yesterday she went and got a squeaky dogtoy that she has ignored for the last two months and
squeaked it all by herself with no encouragement
More updates as we get them as I know how rivetted you all are
30/04/04 11:58
- the conversation was thus:
Cheeks: "yeah, i've been to memphis, i went with my mum and dad and brother, we stayed in
the heartbreak hotel"
Hox: "did you have sex there?"
Cheeks: "i was with my parents...and 15..."
Hox: "yeah, did you have sex there?"
06/05/04 14:09
- hello mongs/mongettes
re multiple toilets I was at my friends 40th birthday party and this STOOPID woman from up
the road started bleating on about "you know you've made it when you have 4 or more toilets in your
house or you are earning a higher salary than your age" to which my friend replied "yay I earn LOADS
more than �40 a week"
spicey 13/05/04 10:26
- I went round my mum's for supper this evening
My auntie and uncle are staying for a couple of days, they're both in their 60s. My little
brother had been on MSN with his mates until my mum told him to stop because my auntie and uncle wanted
to show her something on the internet. Stupidly he didn't sign off. While they were on the computer up
popped a message from one of his friends, it said:
'Tell your mum I can't come round to eat her out because I filled up on your sister this morning'
booty 20/05/04 22:50
- hahaha
a girl here just called maintenance because there was a "funny smell" coming from the air
conditioning. Only after they dismantled the whole unit and turned off the air con for the whole
building did they realist the smell was actually coming from a mouldy cupasoup on her desk.
bottleblonde 21/05/04 15:51
- *waves*
hello all, had my 20 week scan and all is well and it's a boy goth baby.
lulabella 26/05/04 14:34
- *fears the humming tree*
burt_girth 17/06/04 13:30
- First picture of Ralf Schumacher after the crash
edit: you're all far too kind :-)
freeradical 20/06/04 21:42
- Now that's a tad harsh...
The Guardian: "Owen, once the baby-faced assassin, has had to make way for Rooney, the
assassin-faced baby."
charlesfosterbrain 22/06/04
13:22
- so what?
a friend of mine, darren, is a kwik fit fitter, last week i watched him burn out a set of
low profile michelins in curry's carpark, then we got some chips and ate them in the park and his
bulldog shat on my nike airs.
*flicks Vs*
bishibashi 24/06/04 15:18
- Puppyshunter....I am worried about mine.
Mr_Wednesday
25/06/04 15:02
- Sorry it took so long to post my special picture of me
but as you can see after Friday night's multi vehicle pile up on the M62 (did I mention my
chauffeur was killed and the bentley turbo was a write off) I am finding it a little difficult to do
anything quickly with my hands (thank god for my supermodel girlfriend eh) anyway here it is
walter_mitty 29/06/04 13:35
- You could try that,
but I think that will only bulk up your arms.
incognito 06/07/04 10:33
- In my Bosses absence, I've had to sign
the requisition for Bens' new Business cards.
I've added K.F.C. after his qualifications.
basket 07/07/04 16:18
- i just went to see my 88 year old grandmother in her �500 a week care home
i'm traumatised. i didn't recognise her. she has no idea who we were, who she is, she
thinks she's speaking but all that comes out is just gibberish, not words. she's lost her false teeth
and glasses. she's bruised and battered. and this is
the place is beyond bad.
it's like shaun of the dead. but everyone's still alive.
*shudders*
special 11/07/04 16:55
- hello
just a quick mong as we have a friend over for dinner.
In the pub this afternoon I was standing at the bar with when a weird man with Chelsea Smile scars
got down on his hands and knees behind me and started panting. This was disturbing. Barbloke then walked
up to me and we went to sit outside. As we were passing, Scarface said "nice arse, love"
quick as a flash barbloke replied "thanks. I've been working out." Scarface got laughed at.
Barbloke rocks.
barbird 11/07/04 18:38
- iPod Mini goes on sale in Croydon
puppyshunter
14/07/04 14:07
- I buggered up a simple '=sum' equation in Excel once...
...that got 15 people made redundant when there was no need at all. I know for a fact that
one guy's wife left him and took the kiddies because of this. Not bad bonuses that year though.
Chopper3 15/07/04 11:54
- Oh I am so depressed.
On my way to work this morning, I saw an 8 year old boy get hit by a Transit van outside a
school. I have never seen anything so awful in my life. Kids and mothers crying everywhere.
Then I was checking the CV of an applicant at work. I didn't recognise some of the places she said
she had worked at, though the references were all glowing. She had a very impressive CV. I called a
couple of the referees. It soon transpired this applicant cunt of a bitch had subtley changed the names
of the places she claimed to have worked. Thus, Lidl became Lidal Care Home.. The referee was her
husband and she had installed two fax lines in her home in order to provide seemingly different
references. This bitch wanted to work with children and people with learning difficulties. The details
she had provided on her CV were so deceptive, she had managed to find work in 14 other places in the
last three months. :((((
burnvictim 21/07/04
21:02
- I went to ex mr cat's last night to look after spij_dog because
because ex mr cat was away on a golf day.
He came back at 8pm, which I wasn't expecting. He told me that he was hit on the head by a golf ball
and had a very bad headache. I was obv concerned and asked what had happened. He told me that some
irresponsible player had hit a bad shot, not shouted 'fore' and hit him on the head.
A few hours later he admitted that it was all bollocks and he had fucked up a shot out of a bunker
and hit himself on the head
spij_cat 23/07/04 14:19
- OOps
I seem to have broken the Daily Mail's Gay Marraige voting form and it now forgets if
you've already voted - Butterfingers me :(
GoldCD 28/07/04 13:58
- well it was going to happen eventually
leguape 29/07/04 22:58
- "Not my words, Carol - The words of Top Gear magazine"
Spankie 30/07/04 10:15
- he's doing well though
louis 04/08/04 13:57
- Oh dear.
SkipMum has just phoned to tell me that my great-aunt died a couple of hours ago. She was
a nice old stick - I shall miss her.
freudianskip 04/08/04 21:19
- "And you maintain that the patio, or italian courtyard, was there when you moved in?"
burt_girth 06/08/04 11:54
-
Go on. have a laugh at my expense.
Again :*(
Spankie 06/08/04 19:24
-
Here he is
My pussy
Spankie 06/08/04 20:00
- Having kids changes your life for the better
My relationship with Mr DKD is stronger. We let each other do what the other wants to do
without the bitching as we realise you need to unwind however you want. I thought I really loved Mr DKD
but it is nothing compared to how I feel about Molly. I really would die for her. It is the strongest
feeling in the world. I can't imagine my life without her. It would be very sad indeed. She makes me
laugh - I have never ever laughed as much. And when she puts her arms up for a cuddle and says
"mumumumum", I melt.
drkilldare 09/08/04 22:18
- C3-Spawn#2 and C3-Spawn#1
Chopper3 09/08/04 22:40
- Really pissed off about the new flake adverts
I'm sure the idea I pitched would have worked much better.
GoldCD 16/08/04 21:20
- *grinsandgrinsandgrinsandgrins*
The bestest buzz evah - cuddling and helping to feed your own children, near-newborn. In
terms of lifestyle it's like I'm being flattened by a freight train. Slowly. Expensively. At odd hours.
When it least suits our plans.
Just..... delightfully.
deadfred 18/08/04 02:21
- good men's section on that site
staples
19/08/04 11:56
- cross everything
I think I've found us a house... if no bastard comes and takes it before i will be putting
a holding fee down tomorrow.
barbird 23/08/04 18:53
- cock piss my life...
went round to my old house to pick up the mail (it's exactly 6 months since we split up)
and I degenerated into a crying snotty mess, saying "I want to come home" and "I still love you"...
I'm better now, but TWAT
AndyV 23/08/04 21:05
- When photographing your house for sale, always double check the pictures
(third picture from top)
Clicky here
charlesfosterbrain 27/08/04
12:58
- Much more persuasive
GoldCD 01/09/04 11:50
- Seeing as it's a nice day
I thought we should go out and do something. National Trust place just outside of Bath
looks like a pleasant place ot have a stroll through the grounds of. Fortunately I also have a life
membership card that was bought for me when I was ickle. Only thing I'm worried about, is them
laughing...
GoldCD 05/09/04 13:03
- by the way everyone,
i've got work. for lots of money
*flicks a lot of Vs*
I knew if I waited around for long enough *cough* 18 months *cough* something would
come along. *ahem*
jenkis 09/09/04 11:50
- would anyone like me to settle any other issues?
here's a few to start with
abortion - if the woman concerned is comfortable she can do what she likes
organised religion - i think it's stupid but still respect others beliefs and so should everyone
else
gays - SHOULD BE STONED THE BABY BUMMING FREAKS
bishibashi 10/09/04 12:49
- the shoe story below reminds me of a fine example of drunk bird logic
NYE 2002/3 a load of us were in sydney, boat trip at midnight, drunken dancin, much fun.
by about 4 in the morning julie, girlfriend of tim, had got a bit punchy and so they were arguing. we
were crossing a bridge and they stopped in the middle to have a screaming match, while we waited a
polite distance away. as the height of the argument came julie obviously decided she needed to take a
firm line and make a point to tim about why he didn't really love her or why it was wrong for him to
ever look anywhere but at her or some shit like that. so she took off her nice strappy shoes, and threw
them into the harbour.
"that fucking showed him" she probably though as she limped home on bleeding feet.
bishibashi 20/09/04 12:36
- Things your dad should never tell you part 3743:
My dad was with a 'lady' getting on with her in the back of his car. They were about to
shag when she told him she was on the blob and didn't want to sleep with him.
She then offered him her arse hole.
This was my dad trying to tell me not to try anal as it's WRONG and even he thought so :(
Spankie 20/09/04 20:00
- O dear
YMQueenie has just found his old GameGear and I asked where his Sonic the Hamster games
were.
*looses ALL MummyCredibility ever earned*
caravan_queenie
20/09/04 21:32
- Agh!
I had that interview this morning. On arriving I needed the loo but didn't ask where it
was, as I thought it would look like I had a problem or something. I couldn't ask on the way out either
as boss man led me straight to the exit. So I drove home, thinking I could make it. Then by some cruel
twist on fate I ended up on the motorway going in the wrong direction to home. There are no services for
miles so I come off the first exit and go back the right way. It was so bad I had to do deep breathing.
Eventually I found some services. Nothing like the feeling of having a wee after holding it for 3.5
hours.
AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
drkilldare 21/09/04 12:53
- last night when buying fags
I met a girl who opened tags
they are still here, so who knows
If she'll work out
how they close
thecustardmonkey
22/09/04 13:25
- it won't be the first time he's thrust his face into some flies
Norton, if you're listening, I charge �50 a gag. as the actress said to the bishop
hoxtonwanka
22/09/04 16:48
- I really love my "pod" (cheers, Hox)
Today it chose me Say Hello Wave Goodbye followed by Tiptoe Through The Tulips. I had to
turn it off after that because anything else would have ruined the moment. Which made the rest of the
journey a bit dull. Useless piece of shit. Hox, you CUNT
skin_chimney 23/09/04 10:28
- whoever mentioned the SMS to landline thing yesterday - many thanks
as I sat in front of the telly with my housemate last night the phone range. He answered,
paused and mouthed, "It's call minder" to me
He was then most delighted to be called a 'smelly poo piping cunt bubble' by a robot lady
louis 23/09/04 13:36
- I am CRYING with laughter
I just called barbloke and told him to send me a really dirty text but to the landline.
I just got it.
"Your windows are covered in filth and your stairs need to be hoovered"
barbird 23/09/04 21:14
- i just completely forgot where i was
my boss has just been on about a bird in our building who he sees as possibly been good in
the bedroom cos she goes on about handcuffs, therefore being a bit dirty. i said, 'that's not dirty -
rimming's dirty'
shocked silence
bummersaredeaf 24/09/04
13:28
- You left me at the Membury services, you cunt.
:*(
Spankie 26/09/04 18:04
- Spankie's post reminds me...
You know that story about the 17 year old girl who eloped with the 64 year old? The
salient point in the Mirror interview was
'We're appalled' said the girl's mother, 31.
tinyfecklesschild 27/09/04
21:52
- my pay-rise has been approved
I am now officially a business development manager. and mr spicey might hear about his
promotion today too. I've obviously spent all the new money about 6 times over already but hey, it's
good news innit?
spicey 28/09/04 11:02
- Last night at Pride Park,
the ballboy nearest me fucked up a throw back to the Derby keeper. A man two rows behind
me stood up and shouted "Oi! Kid! RAISE YOUR GAME"
kate_brush 30/09/04
09:06
- *tempted to get up walk out now*
this was part of my boss' answer to my email last night :"but I'm also aware that over the
last couple of days you've still managed to do your fair share of posting on Holy Moly and the various
other non work-related messageboards. Correct me if I'm wrong."
leguape 30/09/04 11:42
- Frau-C3 just spent 5 minutes copying by hand details of a school trip letter
as you have to complete the letter and send it back. She used the top of the photocopier
as a surface to write on. Duhhhh
Chopper3 05/10/04 13:03
- sorry, but I'm going to do a lap of honour
I slept with hox. and he was great.
I thought that was common knowledge now! tsk. gossip ain't what it used to be.
bitterkitten 06/10/04 14:03 Reply * (1)
hoxtonwanka
06/10/04 14:15
- any fucking danger?
leguape 07/10/04 22:56
- thanks to golo, i now have a killer CV
oral_rinse 08/10/04 14:16
- fuck fuck fuck... I just had to hit someone...
My landlady called me and said one of the other tenants was threatening her, and
could me and one of my colleagues come down to her office and help her out...
we went down and it was the complex loon, refusing to leave her office.
she was in tears, so i rang her boss and asked if it was appropriate for me to get him ejected,
he said yes...
I asked him (fairly forcefully) to leave straight away, he still refused, so I called the police
to get rid of him...
he then started rabbiting on aboput nothing in particular, and I walked away...
he followed me outside, and I thought I could lock him out, so I tried to get back in the
building and shut the door...
he forced his way in, and locked me and him in the office and stood in front of the door...
he then accused me of only being concerned with what was happening because I was shagging my
landlady (20 years go I would have, but she's 50 and has sons older than me) so I decided to leave..
he wouldn't let me and in the ensuing struggle he hit me...
(as some of you know I do thai boxing)
so in self defence (obv.)I may or may not have wailed on him a bit and the police took their
time coming, there was some blood (from him obv)and I may have popped a rib or two of his...
the police were really nice, took my statement and I even got a TURMOIL in
there...
everything hurts :-(
AndyV 08/10/04 15:50
- Did anyone see Alistair Campbell's Q&A in the Grauniad on Saturday?
What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Standing on a barge next to Prince Philip. I didn't have a clue what to say, so asked him if he
reckoned he could drive a barge. He reminded me he was a naval commander.
Also... I mentioned this on NJ last night... I am going to a fancy dress party on Saturday. The
theme is Killers and Victims. I am going in a Man U shirt. So I will probably be struck down soon. It's
been nice knowing you all x
01/03/04 12:37
- Fucking hell...
I have to go an pick up some tearaway teenager and take him in to care. Apparently they
tried calling his mother but got no response. Neglect was the word bandied about.
02/03/04 12:02
- Bleee!
Robbed from PB: Visit www.dasani.com,
click 'Downloads' and mouse-over the woman to see some text pop up on the left.
11/03/04 12:10
- Tuna Cowboys
apparently a tuna cowboy goes out for weeks at a time on a tuna boat. When the boat drops
the nets (which have the surface area of Spain) the tuna cowboy dons an electromagnetic suit. The cans
of tuna are attracted by the magnetism and soon the tuna cowboy gets covered with tuna and is hauled
back into the boat. He then dives again to fish for squid. Once these are caught they are squeezed and
the ink is used to print the labels.
11/03/04 13:50
- I love ray winstone...
When I was 15, we watch scum at my mate's house...
Afterwards we went down the chippy, shouting "i'm the daddy!" and "where's yer fucking tool!"
As we entered the chippy the same thing was still going on, until a gruff voice behind us said,
"Lads, I think you'll find I'm the daddy!"
And it was himself pictured above...
25/03/04 09:31
- Spankie!
I've been thinking. There must be a way to extort money from these poor deluded media
students. Besides subscriptions to Film Four and 'Hotdog', obviously. Maybe we should start writing a
magazine....
*board goes wavy*
"It's New! It's exclusive! It's Low Budget Cult Film Weekly!
All the news on films that none of your mates have heard of. Interviews with gritty actors
and obscure directors, PLUS page upon page of tedious facts to spout over the table at the refectory."
*cut to Hoxton-finned twat yapping to bored mates*
"Yah, but obviously to get the realistic effect, Tarantino used real blood in the close-ups.
Of course, I prefered his first film. What? You thought that was his first film? God! No!"
"Each week we give you in-depth biographies on all the hottest directors, complete with all the info
on their obscure early work to help you pretend you've seen it"
*cut to twat yapping to remaining bored mates who haven't made their excuses and gone to a fictional
lecture*
"Yeah, I found Wo hu cang long a bit commercial actually. What? Oh, sorry, Wo hu cang long. You
probably know it by its English title, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. But, God! You might as well go
the whole way and say you liked 'Hulk'! No, for me it's got to be Ang Lee's 1992 work 'Tui shou'..."
"Bore your poor friends shitless with your off-the-shelf acquired knowledge of the cult film world
and let Low Budget Cult Film Weekly do all the work for you! We watch hours of dire, poorly-shot
plotless garbage so you don't have to. This week, Radio 1's James King gives you 100 Sneering Comments
To Make About the New 'Dawn of the Dead'.
Low Budget Cult Film Weekly. Available now from a newsagent that's really tricky to find, and you'll
probably have to ask for it because it was deleted several years ago. Issue 1 comes with a free t-shirt
with an obscure Shallow Grave quote on.
25/03/04 11:12
- tiger, tiger posting shite
get a stick of dynamite
stick it up your rancid box
then fuck off with the other cocks
x
30/03/04 16:23
- thinking about booking business trips
i worked for a partner in a law firm who wanted to go on a metal conference in istanbul -
our corporate travel firm charged some extortionate amount for his flight and accommodation and i told
him i'd easily be able to get a cheaper package - so i booked his flight and hotel and off he
went. sitting at home on the monday morning getting ready for work i was watching the news that chechen
rebels had taken a hotel full of hostages in istanbul - as the camera scanned the hotel, i noticed that
it was the hotel that my boss was staying in :(
turns out he got so drunk that when the rebels came round knocking on everybody's doors and ushering
them down to reception, he ignored them. he also ignored the telephone calls to his room. so when he got
up on monday morning to go to his conference, he was wandering around wondering where everybody was and
why the lifts weren't working - until he was found by a policeman who took him downstairs to the
basement and through a secret passage to their command centre in the basement of the hilton
i crapped myself because i hadn't given anybody his contact details, so had to rush into work and
interrupt the monday morning partners' meeting to tell them that their head of litigation was being held
hostage by chechen gunmen in turkey :(
02/04/04 12:46
- i once temped
for a religious nutcase - she was a horrid old cow and treated everybody like shit - i
hated her - she had bottles of water that, apparently, were from the river jordan and were holier than
holy - she used to go round the office two or three times a day with them drawing crosses on the doors
and praying - one lunchtime when she'd pissed me off i emptied all the bottles and filled them up with
tap water :D
05/04/04 13:10
- milkshake?
05/04/04 13:59
- I can't believe freeradical got kudos for making a Pop Art of council conkers
I hand-chiselled her norks onto the Rio de Janiero Jesus statue, ffs.
11/04/04 23:30
- hello
i'm an annoying cunt and i'm just posting this so i can continue my pointless argument
with somebody i don't even know
and you know what, i'm not even funny, but do i care?
19/04/04 16:18
- I had pedestrian rage this morning
there was a cunt in a big silver Merc inching forward over a zebra crossing WHILST it
still had people on it. I stopped right in front of his car and stared at him (he was completely over
the markings at this point)and he carried on going into my legs (he actually speeded up a bit). I
completely lost it and tried to stomp his bumper off. He got out his car, realised he was surrounded by
about 50 angry 'walkers', shit himself, got back in and drove off. I got a smattering of applause and
went on my merry way.
PEOPLE POWER
20/04/04 09:54
- A few years ago
I went to Montreal for a totally pointless series of conferences, after 1 futile and
depressing day, I fucked off to Tremblant (a small ski resort) on the bus and checked into a small
appartment for a few days. The second night I got myself totally pissed whilst out very late, and lost
the keys to the apartment block and room .I spent 10 minutes banging on the door hoping to wake the
warden to let me in, It was seriously fucking cold (about -20) and I was starting to panic. I noticed
that the lights were still on in one of the appartments so I made a snow ball and threw it at the window
hoping to get the attention of the people inside. so they could come and let me in, No-one came to the
window, so I made another harder one and tried again, this carried on until in my desperate pissed state
I made one hard enough to smash the window. I legged it up the road and took shelter in the lobby of a
much bigger hotel, after a few minutes i decided to cut my losses and check into the big hotel for the
night. Explaining to the guy on the night desk that I was locked out from a place down the road,he said
he knew the warden and would call him to let me in. I wandered back down the road to find the warden
waiting in the lobby for me, as he let me into my appartment we were both hit by an Icy blast of air
"Holy Mary, mother of Jesus Mr Basket, I'm gonna have to find you another room, some fucker has smashed
your window"
23/04/04 15:37
- I promise that except for an ecstatic I got a first post
when I fuck my tutor senseless on his desk get my results, this is my last
dissertation related post. I've just had it bound. It looks lovely. I'm so pleased with it. :)
29/04/04 16:50
- probably about 20 years ago
They love their portable stuff, the japs
07/05/04 10:02
- I *heart* the shipping forecast, me.
burt_girth 17/05/04 16:06
- YAY!
Just got this email from one of the MD's regarding that promotion:
"Thanks Helen, you�re on the list!"
*puts hopes in a reasonable place, but allows self to feel jubilant*
Spankie 21/05/04 15:12
- Quick, someone catch it!
costas 04/06/04 12:29
- Check out this honey...
.jpg)
Put me right off my lunch :(
spij_cat 07/06/04 14:30
- He was eating clown meat
Then got up and left all the packaging on the seat.
I picked it up and rather primly said 'I believe you've forgotton something'.
He took his rubbish and got off the train looking sheepish, meanwhile the rest of the carriage
clapped and cheered and lifted me
on their shoulders and carried me out of the station singing my praises...*
NB. parts of this may not be true
caravan_queenie
10/06/04 09:41
- Glybo godmother is in a wheelchair
after getting diabetes a few years ago. She can walk around but not a lot.
At my sister's wedding, she was standing up looking at something and turned to me and said 'Give me
a push!', so I shoved her.
'When I'm in the fucking wheelchair, glybo!!' was her reply.
glybo 10/06/04 14:00
- Fucking hell.
We now have FOUR little puppies. Flotskybruce will be the winner with five if she doesn't
have any more. I just watched the last one being born *cries and cries*
cornished 16/06/04 22:33
- The mentally scarring infamous caravan story (TM)
When my two sisters and I were little, we used to be forced to go on caravan holidays.
Before my parents were eventually forced to ugrade to a luxurious Swift Challenger 500 caravan with
proper heating and power shower, we had an early 70s CI Sprite, which any caravan-savvy person will know
is made of about four biscuit tins rivetted together. Anyway, one night we were staying in one of my
parents' favourite locations spots - a small caravan site near Leyburn. It was nighttime. Usual scenario
- us kids cooped up in the bottom metre and a half of space behind a heavy curtain, my parents with the
rest of the thing to themselves. Both my sisters were asleep, and I was just dozing off. Suddenly, it
became apparent that my parents had got a little frisky, because the whole damn van started to rock. I
managed to stifle my sniggers but as the rocking got more pronounced, my sisters woke up and started to
scream in terror. Simultaneously, the van lurched violently to the side and the curtain was thrown open
by my stark bollock naked father, who flung the door open and made us all jump out. My mother had
managed to use a duvet to conceal herself as we all stood in the freezing cold wind, my naked father
running after the caravan which had been knocked off its stabilisers and was starting to roll away
backward down the hill towards the cliff at the edge of the site.
I blame that incident for much.
livia_fantasy
18/06/04 00:13
- *runs through photoshop x-ray filter*
naked 19/06/04 00:29
- i'm sorry, what was that?
I was distracted by the title of your post.
jenkis 22/06/04 14:25
- slg's office right now
freudianskip 25/06/04 10:18
- Molly-coddled, Pampered Scum Must Die?
mister_roberts 29/06/04 15:29
subvulture 01/07/04 23:55
- I just got feedback on that government job I did.
The company who hired me made them fill out an evaluation form. It said this:
"Her professional skills, efficiency, speed and quality are outstanding"
*BEAMS*
*BOUNCES*
drkilldare 06/07/04 09:29
- hmm.
i've just been reading the mirror, and it's got that saffa bint who got kicked out of big
brother in it. on men she says "you may as well not bother if it's too small". do you think she's saying
"i am an empowered woman who knows what she wants and demands only the best" or "i've got a fanny like a
pelican's yawn"
i am undecided.
bishibashi 06/07/04 13:57
- wtf
have you all been doing to each other today? I look at the board for the first time and
see that. psssh.
(the correct procedure when doing this is to post your password along with a piccie of DeNiro from
the Deerhunter repeatedly until you're banned - you then sulk for 3 months and set up your own splinter
site, which you assure yourself will be much nicer)
GoldCD 07/07/04 16:48
- this canine beekeeper is sinister
barbird 08/07/04 12:27
- you can't deny there
is a bit of a resemblence:
flotskybruce 08/07/04 23:54
- If you're any good, you could get a lucrative job in Israel.
Pastor 10/07/04 12:20
- Well, looks like
my work here is done. May pop in on Wednesday, but the end is nigh (at least
temporarily)for the soon to be bankrupt Baudolino. With lump in throat (no poove jokes please) - it's
been fun
Baudolino 12/07/04 21:04
- I know this is going to sound really weird, but bear with me...
I'm the sort of bloke who is fairly down to earth, both feet on the ground sort of thing.
But I got seriously freaked out on the tube this morning.
There was a freaky looking Japanese woman standing next to me who tried to get off at Bank in a
panic, got my bag all tangled up in her legs. Then she just seemed to change her mind and stayed on the
train until Holborn.
When she got off, I sat down - and all of a sudden there was this really strong smell in the
carriage. I noticed other people were commenting on the smell as well. I realised it smelled like
almonds, and right there and then I was CONVINCED it was a sarin gas attack or something, and I just
started feeling really lightheaded and dizzy, heart going like a steamhammer. I remember getting off the
train at TCR thinking 'don't pass out, don't pass out'. By the time I got up to ground level, I was a
bit calmer.
Maybe it's only recently I've realised just how horrible the underground smells, but it did freak me
out realising how easy it would be to drop a packet of sarin on the central line at 9.30am... :(
Anyway I feel very stupid now I've shared this with you, but at the time it was SHIT scary.
EDIT: In fact the scariest thing was that for about half a minute, I was CONVINCED that I was going
to die. I remember thinking - "Let me just get to the ground level so I can text my girlfriend and tell
her I love her."
charlesfosterbrain 15/07/04
10:15
- Morning all
I trust you all had *fab* weekends.
As you may or may not have heard, spij_dog excelled himself at the fancy dress competition and came
second out of 40 dogs and had 2 local papers take photos of him
Here he is with his Rosette
spij_cat 19/07/04 09:37
- Stoaty 1 : Wasp 0
GoldCD 21/07/04 14:04
- Proof that women (or maybe just me) cannot drive.
I had to go and pick up a dishwasher from a service station near Exeter. My mum had to
puppysit, so the new mr shed came along for the ride. The drive up there was fine - straight up the A38
then on the M5 for about 2 miles. On the way back he wanted burger king, which we couldnt find, so that
pissed me off and I took the wrong turn. We ended up on the M5 back down, and just as we got onto the
A38 on the southbound, it splits into two. One set of lanes goes to torquay and teignmouth, one goes to
plymouth. A fly splattered against the windscreen, I got distracted, and ended up on the torquay road by
mistake. About 2 miles down that road was the chance to turn back, but mr shed was shouting so I missed
it. We ended up in teignmouth town centre (12 miles on) at a roundabout that I was supposed to go ALL
the way round, but took the 3rd turning instead in a blind panic. We then took a figure 8 round the
town, and ended up at the roundabout, this time I took the right turning. I was silently crying by this
point. We got on the road back to the motorway and I missed the plymouth turning AGAIN because a tree
was covering the sign. So we ended up on the M5 back north, and ended up having to go ALL the way back
to the services, go round the car park, and all the way back down again. What should have been an hour
each way (we left at 5.30) and ten minutes to pay and shift the dishwasher to our car, has just got us
home :(((((
cornished 21/07/04 22:47
- the ultimate camel toe
her_name_is_rio 22/07/04 12:24
- This morning, on the way to work
I was behind a van that belongs to a company called 'Blakes of Kent, England' and their
slogan was 'When you think business, Think BOKE'
spij_cat 27/07/04 11:58
- Just announced we hit out stretch target
10% salary bonus for me MUTHERFUCKERS!!!!
*does lap of joy around office*
GoldCD 27/07/04 13:47
- 'SHELL2WIN!!!' 'NITE DARLIN' 'BIG XXXX
*simpers*
matt 29/07/04 10:05
- fuck it
i've just sent a text reading "when do i get my massage, then?" to a male aquaintance by
mistake
hoxtonwanka
30/07/04 12:42
- MY BLS R LIKE WTRMLONS, DRNK 2NITE? XXX
bishibashi 03/08/04 13:53
- He so
got it :-)
spij_cat 05/08/04 09:17
- i thought the only 2 people left in the office were me and antonio
and i shouted across the room at him "do you want to come to a fetish party with me next
weekend?" and we started having a converstaion about filthyish stuff
30 seconds later the MD walked
out of his office smirking, said goodnight and walked off. oh dear :(
the_light_fantastic 05/08/04 18:07
- It's not going to work is it?
golostruda 09/08/04 12:58
- For the work experience girl who has to look at the keyboard as she types:
agentp 11/08/04 11:31
- smer and matt and bishi
are the real stars today
we don't need no poems
written by a baldy gay
matt and bish are speccy
smer has ninja moves
we're ten times better than the girls
and twenty more than pooves
bishibashi 12/08/04 10:15
- morning all
*bounces*
saw this FABULOUS quote in the metro this morning from natasha bedingfield - who was raised in south
london by kiwi parents and, apparently, is confused by her racial identity
�I wanted to be black, then I realised I was white and had to embrace my inner whiteness � but when
I�m with my friends I talk in black slang and say �it�s like dat�"
Silly cunt
jean_grellie
25/08/04 10:01
- august is indeed a very strange month
this morning, a bloke followed me all the way to work, 2 inches from my arse, proceeded to
get out of his car and start screamimg at me about going straight on in a right hand turn only lane.
(yes, i did it but i do it every single day and if it presents any danger, i turn right anyway - today,
it didn't). i basically said to him he was only pissed off cos he didn't have the idea in the first
place - he then called me a fucking stupid cow. i told him it wasn't my fault he couldn't drive - he
went mental. swearing at me blah blah blah. i eventually lost my temper and said 'do you want a fucking
slap? is that why you're here because you can have one - you're really starting to fucking annoy me'. he
then backed off, got in his car and drove off.
bummersaredeaf 26/08/04 10:37
- Can I just say I am so happy?
I got a massive bonus today and my boss took me out on the lash *hic*
Love you lot I do *slurs*
blacktype 27/08/04 14:58
- The devil's saying 'Go on - have a pie'
and the angel's saying 'He's right y'know - they're fucking smashing'
freudianskip 02/09/04 17:20
- This is the birthday card I made for queenie
freeradical 05/09/04 23:43
aks 07/09/04 19:50
- why do I feel like buying Playstations?
staples 08/09/04 14:17
- I'm sure sunshineandshowers wouldn't mind me posting
this. She just sent me an *up there*, as follows. It made me laugh a LOT!
hiya!
this is a bit out of the blue, but have you ever done any 'glamour modelling'? i've just come
across a set of pix that looks ridiculously, incredibly like you...
my boss wants to use them in our new mag, and i wouldn't like to without at least asking you if
it's you!!
gladysemmanuelle 10/09/04 12:36
- i dreamt that
i was married to bitter_kitten and living in paris. then i woke up and i was in milton
keynes and i'd overslept and was going to be four hours late for work.
hoxtonwanka
10/09/04 13:08
- bishi's analogy of the week
if i was a bricklayer. "there's a pile of bricks" someone would say, "i need a wall over
there". i build the wall. it might take all night but i'll build it cos i know how and i can do it
myself. now imagine that i have the bricks but i need the mortar, the mortarman has been booked by the
foreman but the mortarman isn't answering the phone. the trowel man is also incommunicado. "where's my
fucking wall!" the foreman screams. "where's the fucking mortar and trowel!" i scream back. "where's my
fucking wall!" the foreman screams. "where's the fucking mortar and trowel!" i scream back. "where's my
fucking wall!" the foreman screams. "where's the fucking mortar and trowel!" i scream back.
that's been my week. i'll be signing copies of my new book, management for lazy cunts, in the foyer
afterwards.
love,
bishi
xxxxxxxxxxx
bishibashi 10/09/04 17:50
- snowballs (not the speed and heroin concoction, or a mouthful of one's own spunk)
were the drink of choice for five year olds - family party, 1976: "here, give our craig a
snowball...". yeah, cos that's a great drink for an infant: alcohol, egg and lemonade, plus a
throat-lodgable plastic sword. one of those and i'd have to go for a "nap" - ie have a blackout - until
long after the last guest had departed in their two-tone mushroom Austin Princesses with brains and
bloodstreams full of Party Seven
hoxtonwanka
13/09/04 13:37
- Spot the difference:
agentp 17/09/04 12:14
- a work colleague who has recently returned from Thailand has sent me this
rather nice picture he took of a monkey shagging a dog
apparently this happens quite often
louis 17/09/04 12:18
- the dog just isn't fussed is it?
the monkey's like "UNH UNH YEH TAKE IT ALL BITCH IS DADDY HURTING YA? HUH? SAY MY NAME"
and the dog's all "whatevah clyde, lose your beans and fuck off, trisha's on in a minunte"
bishibashi 17/09/04 12:22
- i also fell out of a shower last year when working away
smashed the toilet bowl with my forehead, knocked myself unconscious biting through my
tongue and broke my coccxyx. i had to ring a colleague to come and dress me *was naked on the floor of
the bathroom*she arrived with my male boss and the male hotel manager as i couldn't get to the door to
open it. I am an utter spastic
easytiger 17/09/04 13:07
- My boss asken the office if any one knew how much
an ounce was. I piped up "Oh it's the same as 8 1p coins"
"How do you know that?" he asked.
"Erm"
billieevans 17/09/04
13:09
- so we went to the A-B-O near Waterloo station (classy)
and my brother managed to shake a ketchup bottle that didn't have the lid on - ketchup
ended up in his hair, his t-shirt and all over the table and chairs
tit
zig_zag_zog 17/09/04 14:47
- Meanwhile, in a pub in London...
"Yeah, the dopey fucks gave me �40 to buy some imaginary items. I imagine I'll have
another Stella. Cheers. And one for yourself."
ginger 17/09/04 15:16
- apropos embarrassing/job-threatening incicdents
i couldn't post much as i was working, which is strange. i have one i shall post now and
one which i will post later after some wine and maybe when/if dkd is here.
my boss in my old job was pregnant, about 5 months gone. i happened to say 'bastard' within her
earshot, which was never a problem usually but she asked me not to swear near her as the baby will hear
it. i said:
'well, you're not married are you, so it may as well get used to it now'. (it slipped out before i
could even come close to stopping it)
she didn't speak to me for over a week.
bummersaredeaf 17/09/04
19:43
- Ferrari felt a little hard done by with the new rules
to make the other teams more competative next season:
flotskybruce 19/09/04 19:57
- Frankly, I didn't get *nearly* enough karma for this last time I posted it, so I shall repeat:
On honeymoon, Mrs Pupps and I became keen snorkellers [insert obvious jokes, get cheap
karma, and remember � cheap karma is bad karma].
Mrs Pupps was inexperienced in snorkelling [keep remembering � what follows is genuine heartbreak
stuff, not somehting you make a quick gag over] and was gagging on salt water [I warned you, you
fuckers]. I was quick to her aid and made some powerful strokes in her direction. When I reached the
full power of my stroke, and I was within inches of my bride, my ring shot off my finger and into the
Indian Ocean. I have lost my ring forever. I am currently � no word of a lie � wearing a rubber band on
finger until I can get a replacement ring :(
puppyshunter
19/09/04 21:48
- I knew the BBC were still top of the pile
staples 22/09/04 10:32
-
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visit http://www.o2.co.uk to see current offers and learn more about O2 Media Messaging. You cannot
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drkilldare 23/09/04 13:46
- can't... quite... bring... self... to... add... comment...
bishibashi 23/09/04 17:49
- There's a bloke called Bill Payer in Lincoln
Shall I call him up and ask him if he'll let me call an 0898 number?
Chopper3 23/09/04
21:19
- ...the bastards!
pen2k 25/09/04 16:22
- Evening
Molly is ok. She had a blood infection and it is easy to sort. We are all back home from
hospital. She is in bed asleep. I am just about to get fucking very very pissed. The last three days
have been hell. Hope you are all well x
EDIT: And thanks for all the nice messages. Very kind of you all.
drkilldare 25/09/04 18:05
- ok - my grandpa's war story, if you're interested...
My grandpa was in the Czech air force in the 30's, and when the germans invaded in '38
escaped through europe to join the RAF (via Africa and the french foreign legion!).
he was a bomber pilot throughout the war, and had a jolly good go at bombing the dastardly germans
to bits, what? while stationed in yorkshire, he married my grandma - they moved to Brno in czecho in
1945.
All well and good until the russians invaded in '48, when they imprisoned anyone who had fought
abroad during the war. he was in prison/labour camps for ten years, on suspicion of spying. tut tut.
my grandma (and mum) moved back to wolverhampton (dunno why, a pleasant alternative to stalinist
east europe?) where she lobbied to get grandpa released. Eventually, pressure from a local MP who went
over to czecho on tour with Wolves helped secure his release in 1958.
so that's why Wolves are good. MORE WAR STORIES HERE!
beasty 29/09/04 10:24
- oh, ok
go to the pub, play a few games of pool really badly, drink two pints of shandy,
get some quiche to eat on the way home, watch a sex and the city repeat for half an hour. A quick wank
and then off to bed.
louis 29/09/04 13:24
- We're organising some ethnic minority event
for one of our clients. Bloke sitting next to me was talking about the event and how the
client is promoting ethnic minorities in business. He just said
"Aye, I think [the client] is quite open about these things. I mean, they call a spade a spade"
brothelcreeper 30/09/04 09:58
- hahahahahahahaha
� Evening fuckers,
how was spack?
basket 03/10/04 19:54 Reply *
o it was nice if a bit odd
i think some people would be better just staying on the internet...
easytiger 03/10/04 20:07 Reply * (1)
matt 04/10/04 12:31
- They still do,
despite my attempts to steal it and fit it with a motor.
burt_girth 05/10/04 13:07
- hello people x
so, i'm in manchester and they are showing kes at the local theatre. i walk past with my
director.
director: oh, they're showing kes. it's a great film. have you ever seen it?
me: no but i know the one you mean, it's about a boy with a pigeon isn't it?
director: *withering look* i think it might be about a kestral
me: o h r i g h t
shocked_princess 05/10/04 23:01
- it's what paedophiles use on party invitations
i am going to a child protection course in a minute so i will check the veracity of the statement.
missjones 06/10/04 10:22
- Mr_Wednesday
Take your ex out to the pub, and calmly explain the reasons why you find working with her
uncomfortable. Outline the issues you have, as you have done below. Listen to her response, and listen
calmly and carefully.
Once you've both had your say, GLASS THE FUCKING BITCH IN THE NECK AND LAUGH HYSTERICALLY, WANKING
AND CRYING LIKE A CHIMP ON MDMA AS SHE LIES BUBBLING AND BLEEDING ON THE FLOOR.
Hope that helps. x
charlesfosterbrain 06/10/04 16:52
- National poetry day eh?
Better than plastic its wood
said if it was drastic I should
fuck a girl or a
boy
whether live or a toy
and even a spastic I could
thecustardmonkey
07/10/04 13:29
- I've just had a text from my girlfriend.
She's in hospital.
She severely injured herself leaving Ann Summers this morning - they'd put all their basques in one
exit. :(
charlesfosterbrain 08/10/04 12:08
- Look at the POLLOCKS on that rig!
*seals garage door, starts the ignition*
ginger 08/10/04 15:39
- Right, I'm off. I shall leave you with a romantic song.
GITobe: I KNO I STND N LINE
NTIL U THNK U HAVE THE TIME
2 SPND AN EVNNG W/ ME
Hotbabe12: & IF WE GO SM PLCE 2 DANCE
I KNO THRZ A CHNCE
U WNT B LEVING W/ ME
GITobe: THN AFTWRDS WE DRP NTO A QUT LTL PLCE
& HV A DRNK OR 2
Hotbabe12: & THN I GO & SPL IT ALL
BY SYNG SMTHNG STPD LIKE
I 
U
13/02/04 16:12
- Sorry to be in and out so quickly,
but I need to go to bed with the loveliest lady. I'd forgotten this leap-year thingy. But,
yesterday, Mrs Pasta (whom I'm not *really* married to) asked me if I would be her wedded thingy. I said
"yes". And *pops cork* I'm very happy. And I'm going to bed now. Have happiness one and all xxx
15/02/04 23:26
- innit, and the french have a bank holiday to celebrate it
the garlic munching pooves.
18/02/04 12:04
- .
23/02/04 14:52
- It's Football Figurine Feckless!
04/03/04 22:37
- a few years ago I went to the countryside and took some E
with a couple of friends. after a while we were bored on the top of the hill so we drove
round and found this country house garden where they sold cream teas. I we went, ordered our teas and
were just eating them when it started to rain, so we were ushered into the house, whereupon it became
apparent that it was in fact a home for people with downs syndrome. they started being all inquisitive
around us and we really didn't know how to react (the drugs didn't help)
they were all whipering "can I be your boyfriend?" and belming away merrily at us.
I don't know why i told that story i just remembered it from nowhere
11/03/04 13:33
- I told you.
If it's red karma next to a name then it means that someone thinks you're a wanker.
EDIT: Luckily, it always appears as black next to my name
*flicks v's at the lot of you*
31/03/04 16:19
- More Skiing mis-haps
About 10 years ago I was teaching a family to ski in La Plagne,
The Father, ignoring my warnings of a flat landing, insisted on performing a stupid jump, He landed
and broke his leg. A few days later I bumped into the rest of the family one evening in a restauraunt, I
offered to go and pick their dad from his Chalet in my car, cos of his leg he sat in the estate bit of
my subaru, I lost control of the car on the way down to the restaurant and drove off the side of the
Hill, the car rolled 3 times and hit the side of the local UCPA, I climbed out unscathed, the father
fractured his skull, broke his jaw and nose. and his left arm.
19/04/04 10:15
- oh dear, oh dear.
22/04/04 15:33
- matt
Does your mum work in Boots?
28/04/04 14:59
- i met a girl the other day
went by the name of petrie
a funny voice, i had to say
when she would talk right at me
are you from somerset i said?
or possibly from kent?
"no you cunt, i'm from the north
and mardy now, get bent".
x
29/04/04 11:16
- My mate Dan's friend, who was v. v. drunk
Was out in the West End and managed to pull a (married) lady. Rather than go back home,
they decided to do it against a wall near Trafalgar Sq. So they're stood there, and he's pounding away.
After a while he starts to feel pain *down there* and looks down, finding some blood.
He'd missed the girl's bits completely and had been grating his penis against the concrete wall.
30/04/04 14:16
- Another errrr.. workmate of mine,
Was getting a bit fruity with a middle aged divorcee from the middle office at a xmas
party a few years ago, As the night went on the young guy got more and more drunk, and his lady collegue
got more and forward. After a couple of hours they seperately made their excuses and left, agreeing to
meet at Liverpool street tube station in a few minutes. After a 20min journey, they got to the the
womans local tube station. As it was an open air station the young trainee snuck behind the waiting room
to have a piss. The old bint siezed her oppotunity and went to 'give him a hand'.. After a few mins they
were fucking, her bent over with her skirt pulled up, him behind, going for his life. In his pissed
inexperienced state after a few slip outs, he ended up fucking her up the wrong'un. Not convinced that
this was his intention, the lady looked aroud and asked "Do you know where you are?"
The guy paused, stuck his head around the corner of the waiting room, and replied
"yeah, we're in Wanstead"
30/04/04 14:52
- [autogirth]
[/autogirth]
06/05/04 12:50
- Don't let this put you off but...
I went to a class at uni, it was an absolute nightmare. As soon as me and my mates got
there we all had to stand in a big circle, there was maybe 30 - 40 people in attendance, most of them
had been doing it for a while. The instructor then put on some hip hop and one-by-one we had to go into
the middle and "show some moves". The fact that I'd never fucking done it before didn't seem to be an
issue. As you can imagine it was tres embarrassing (there were some fit girls there). I ended up doing
the robot man and trying to spin on my back.
06/05/04 16:36
- Fancy that
10/05/04 09:25
- i was dragged up to dance by this burd
she signalled the dj once i was committed and he put sexual healing on. then she started
giving it the old "ooh i can't believe you haven't got a burd" shtick.
unfortunately she is only 20 and i used to pick her up from primary school AND she looks like a 12
year old boy AND her mum was giving me DIEDIEDIEPEDLOSCUM looks so i legged it.
10/05/04 11:13
- its not her fault
society made her that way
flotskybruce 12/05/04 21:41
- yay me, i just resigned!
now i want to run away and hide until i can leave :(
bishibashi 17/05/04 09:38
- Spankie
I've finished your new corporate logo:
flotskybruce 20/05/04 21:52
- last night when i was in the supermarket
there was a woman in there in a wheelchair, she wasn't retarded or owt, it was just her
legs that didn't work. she was about my age, looked well dressed and professional...but everytime she
moved her chair she made a really subtle 'vroooooooom' sound under her breathe....
lovebug 21/05/04 11:55
- NASA release new pictures of unusual lunar rock formations
continued study of these images said to be taking place in the gents because 'the light is
better'
smer 21/05/04 12:16
- good news!
a friend of mine has just been told that his cancer has gone into remission yay!
*perks up a bit*
jean_grellie
21/05/04 15:49
- Good work last night Burt :-)
stoaty 26/05/04
10:26
- "And now, over to our on-the-spot reporter"
freeradical 05/06/04 16:09
- Synchronised burning - it's the new craze!
pen2k 07/06/04 14:39
- are you
Victor?
staples
21/06/04 13:04
- Bulgy Eyes; Wimbledon Special:
burt_girth 22/06/04 14:19
- Fuckety fuck.
Mail from my father:
On a much more serious note, your granny's condition is giving cause for concern. I think she's
given up the struggle, really, and we have been (tacitly) advised to hold ourselves in readiness. "Can
we phone you at ANY time?" sort of thing. They are keeping her comfortable and pain-free. Thought you
should know.
:-(
mordant_shorts 23/06/04 20:54
- I forgot about this
This morning at the tube station there was a drunk who was so pissed already (08.30) that,
from a kneeling position, he toppled forward face first and wasn't able to react in time to stop himself
nutting the pavement. His solution to this? He started trying to beat up the ground.
skin_chimney 24/06/04 12:05
- It's a fucking hatchback
you gay cunt.
Edit no offence to any lovely real gay cunts in attendance today, obv.
basket 24/06/04 16:37
- Tabloids turning.
stoaty 25/06/04
09:28
- What about pictures of our root directories?
golostruda 25/06/04 15:36
- Innovate, innovate, innovate
GoldCD 28/06/04 21:41
- Right kids
I am off on hoblibobs for two weeks. Have fun.
PS: zig, it really is dull and unpleasant now, so try to find a new joke, eh?
stoaty 30/06/04
15:55
- *rolls disability dice*
Oooh, dwarfism.
GoldCD 30/06/04 17:04
- Ok, now this I'm proud of
GoldCD 30/06/04 23:59
- Apropos 2 things today.
1) Mrs Gnito left home for work one morning and the clutch pedal 'didn't feel right' so
she took the car to my mates workshop.
Whilst he is looking over the various things it could be, she walked across the workshop to get a
coffee. Walking oddly, she assumed she had something stuck to her boot. Checking this out, she realised
that she had odd boots on. She bought 2 pairs of the same boots, but with a different sole and heel
thickness.
2) A guy I know went for a Bulldog Tattoo, big back piece. Bulldog draped in a Union Flag, with
Great at the top and Britain across the bottom. I'm sure many of you have seen similar.
Unfortunately, the Tattooist wasn't the brightest of people.
Fantastic picture of a Bulldog draped in a flag. Shame his back now reads........ Great Brittan.
incognito 02/07/04 10:18
- That's it then.
I've packed up my room...thank fuck I am no longer a schoodent. I now await my ride to my
fathers to drop off stuff and pack for America land tomorrow... then a year or two of proper teaching
awaits.
*shares moment*
Mr_Wednesday
02/07/04 10:19
- Ooh I went to a party once as Budgie
Only I saw a mirror on the way in & spent 6 hours trying to peck myself
skin_chimney 02/07/04 16:03
- Conclusive Proof that Big brother has BP log-ins
No photoshopping here
monolith 05/07/04 21:38
- Roight. Off for a lovely, quiet night in.
G'night, me lovlies.
xx.
burt_girth 08/07/04 17:00
- I stole a 2p refresher when I was about 5.
It was for a dare, but I felt so bad that I took it back. The guy in the shop thought that
was cute so he let me keep the refresher and gave me a mini-milk for my trouble. Crime does pay.
stroons 13/07/04 16:28
- Nadia possibly
(I'm really really sorry)
flotskybruce 14/07/04 19:09
- I think today is going to get worse
I just emailed a friend to say that I feel like shit and hungover and I was late today and
I want to go home, but instead of sending to her, I sent it to a manager with a very similare surname
:-(
EDIT she just sent me a 'was this meant for me?' email, so I emailed her back explaining the mistake
and she has just replied 'if you are 20 minutes late, I would suggest that your first priority isn't to
email your friends'
can you see what I have to work with?
for k_b, its LM...
spij_cat 15/07/04 09:41
- regarding hiring of "creatives"
a certain well-known pooter-games developer once had to turn down an artist as there was
no requirement for him, he'd replied to a very old ad. said artist replied as follows, when slightly
spangled:
"Puff... Yes ... I said PUFF!
You big bag of fucking gay. Why fucking advertise if you know there are no fucking jobs other than
for the YTS retards that they call students. How long before you realise that the cunts who pay your
wages are NOT the people who sponsor the EDGE. They are the cunts who do the work, live the dream and do
the work
BTW. I did a search on the web for your name. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU EXACTLY?
Tosser Cuntface. That's you. Yes it is."
toneknob 15/07/04 15:00
- fuck
I've printed out a good 10 pages of BP again rather than a one page word document...
*runs to printer*
The Good Doctor 16/07/04 08:58
- hello lovelies
I am a bit lurky at the moment - JammyDad died (I've always hated "passed away" - not sure
why) a few weeks ago so I have been a bit fragile and keeping a low profile all around.
I will chat again soon though.
JamandBees 19/07/04 00:38
- A few years ago when I was at uni in Bristol
I had some friends down to stay for the weekend. On the Sunday night we decided to find
somewhere to get pissed in and after consulting 'Venue' magazine for places with late licenses we
decided on a bar/club just outside the city centre. I'd never heard of it before but it sounded okay.
Upon arrival we realised that none of us had any money so me and another bloke were tasked with
taking a cab to the nearest cashpoint while the others went and got the drinks in.
We were just on our way back when all of a sudden all my mates came sprinting down the road, past
the cab and off up the road, a few seconds later about 15 more blokes came running past. We turned the
cab round and caught up with them, they jumped in and we drove off.
It turns out that Venue had failed to mention that the Bar was in fact a gay establishment and
Sunday night was, as advertised on the posters inside, 'The Hardest Gay Night In The West'. My friends
had decided it wasn't quite what we were after (ie. pumping house, smoke machines and regular goosing)
and decided to leave. Outside they were spotted by a gang of West Country lads who thought they'd
indulge in a bit of gay-bashing and chased after them.
There is a bit more to the story but it's clearly not as funny typed and has already gone on too
long, I'd be surprised if any of you even get far enough to read this bit, I certainly wouldn't have.
Sorry.
smer
20/07/04 10:57
- Barbloke is working away during the wek at the moment
fitting windows for old people. He was told off by an old lady this afternoon. For putting
his top back on :oD
barbird 22/07/04 22:09
- my journey on the tube:
ran for the tub in my flip flips, got caught in the doors and therefore projected onto the
carriage floor (in my white trousers), where my food bag exploded: straberries, yogurt and various shit
incl. my phone just went scattered all over. No one helped me up or anything. oh no, there's one guy who
helpfully told me i'd dropped my glasses on the platerform after the train was half way up the tunnel :(
oral_rinse 23/07/04 10:21
- Fresh from a nail-biting round of crazy golf
on the sea front in that Brighton, our three intrepid heroes costas, freetradical and
toneknob head off in search of further thrills, this time of the go-karting kind. Having been there
before, freed says "come on chaps, it's not far... in er *this* direction". he heads east, costas and
tone follow.
after quite some walking and the discovery of another, better crazy golf course (and some "boo hoo
faces" i can tell you), our gang are now slightly less enthused, and after some deliberation ("well *i*
didn't say I knew where it was", "sod it let's head back to the pier"), our tone spies a handy alley
leading back up to the main road, where the services of a hackney or omnibus can easily be hailed. "over
there" he cries, "a useful looking thoroughfare! let's see where it goes". "indeed" agrees master
radical. "let's head off on a little adventure".
having started up the inclined path, it rapidly becomes dark, enclosed, lined with thick foliage on
left, right and above. within yards, the road is obscured, as is the pavement just left behind. all
that's visible is ahead and behind. it obviously safe though, as there are three gentlemen up ahead, two
seated, one standing. as our intriped trio approach, it becomes rapidly obvious that *something* has
recently come to a conclusion, as the standing gent is pulling up his very grubby, stained trousers and
has no visible undercrackers on. appalled, our brave heroes quicken the pace somewhat, trying hard not
to boke, all the while passing other elder gentlemen on further park benches, also giving the impression
that they too, are there for the bumming and the gobbling.
toneknob 25/07/04 23:38
- Suzanne from Hear'Say my dribbling monkey's arse. I think she looks like Will Smith. See.
puppyshunter
27/07/04 14:32
- there's a chap who works in the Tesco just down the road from me
who I was at school with. he did a PhD in civil engineering at Surrey University, in fact
his time there would have overlapped mine by two years or so - yet i never bumped into him there.
now he's a Doctor and he's working on the tills in Tesco. First time I saw him, I was buying
sandwiches and clocked him just before it was my turn. i had to change queues. you see, if I ever say
hello to him, I'll have to say hello to him every single time.
Reason I don't want to say hello to him (one of many): when we were at school, 12 or 13 years old,
we were all getting showered and changed after PE. Now a room full of awkward semi-naked pubescent males
is a delicate place at the best of times, but he chose this moment to declare that his cock smells of
bacon (the porcine meat product, not the famous bobpitch poster)
toneknob 29/07/04 11:55
- Concentrate on the questions, you dirty dog
golostruda 30/07/04 00:27
- Black horse: Humans are cunts.
Brown horse: Yeah, I know.
Black horse: Let's piss in their eyes when they're asleep.
Brown horse: OK.
burnvictim 02/08/04
21:45
- Not humiliating as such
but one of my exes broke into my house at 3am on Valentine's Day with the intention of
telling me he still loved me. I was asleep in bed with my new boyfriend, who the ex didn't know I was
seeing. When I woke up to see Dan standing there, all I could say was 'Oooh, hello! How are you?'
kate_brush 03/08/04
14:29
- george dubya strikes again!
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about
new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
glybo 06/08/04 11:26
- calamity
part of my ceiling fell in at 5am this morning and it appears to have killed my computer
in the process, whilst also scattering what looks like asbestos all over the house. waiting for "a man"
to come and fix it but am trapped in call centre hell
hoxtonwanka
06/08/04 12:02
- well it's no fucking picnic bucking your hips three times and then having a kip
but you don't hear us complaining. tsk.
bishibashi 06/08/04 13:01
- Buy some old chicken bones
and one of those pikey Necklaces that says 'Mummy'
Swallow the whole lot just before you get to the hospital.
basket 09/08/04 12:34
- Don't you know any Shakespeare?
It is actually based loosely around Henry IV pt 1.
'Doth this looketh like a depository of dead niggers? Well, doth it?'
stoaty 09/08/04 14:27
- Spot the difference time.
GoldCD 10/08/04 10:04
- Broken my heel
after vaulting over a wall - not realising the height of the drop on the other side:
Corporal_quim_trimmer 10/08/04
10:09
- A small piece of good news:
I was succesful in taking *a certain utility company* that I happen to work for to
court for issuing me with a CCJ for having the nerve to move house and cancel my direct debit to them,
thus raping my credit for, at least, six years (the CCJ was issued in 2001, I only found out when I was
credit checked for me flat) so all I need to do now is get another job and start dumping nasty scripts
deep in the servers. [edit] the judgement was set aside.
burt_girth 11/08/04 09:00
- There once was a man called DJ Pisspoor,
Left open his tags, but sadly no more,
Barbird's up the duff,
Let man-muck up her muff,
And pieeater's starting to bore.
puppyshunter
11/08/04 12:29
- So i popped into boots to take advantage of their
meal deal (and yes i did get an illegal oj). While i was in there i made eye contact with
a lady who was browsing the condom* section.
Did i look away quickly?
Did i say something witty?
Did i blush?
Nope i waggled my eyebrows at her : (
matt 12/08/04 13:46
- hello
it's my last day at work today. *wibbles slightly* I got flowers too, and they made all
the other girls jealous. *beams*
slg 13/08/04 14:05
- There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.
There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There's sulfur, californium, and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium.
These are the only ones of which the news has come to Ha'vard,
And there may be many others, but they haven't been discavard.
ginger 13/08/04 14:10
- flotskygrandpa died this afternoon
I like to think that he hung on long enough to make sure that rangers were winning for a
change before he went. Feel very weird, no-one has ever died in my family before in my lifetime, and I
am 32. he died peacefully that was good
flotskybruce 14/08/04 20:42
- I'm going lads
I'm very very disappointed and disgusted with what's gone on tonight and as Bacon rightly
says, that person badly needs psychiatric help. Please don't involve ME in your weirdness, you fucked up
cunt. GoldCD, whatever changes you need me to make, upthere me and I'll co-operate fully. Sorry, sorry
and sorry again for this but really and truly I shouldn't be apologising..... and much love to Andy,
Bacon and Glad xxx
councilslag 15/08/04
22:04
- And so on
golostruda 15/08/04 23:55
- while ex mr cat was proposing to me
and begging for me to come back, he said "I'm in turmoil" and then didn't think it was
very nice that I started sniggering
spij_cat 17/08/04 13:43
- Having lurked here for a while and
only started posting today.
I have come to the conclusion.
YOU, ZIG_ZAG_ZOG, ARE A CUNT!!
That isn't just from todays observations, either.
Breitling 24/08/04 15:49
- Remember ages ago
when I said barbloke didn't have any porn, and you all laughted at me for being naive and
stupid? Well you were right. I have found his stash. It is one DVD, without box, featuring *cum guzzling
barmaids* and was clearly last used to rack up lines of coke. Bless.
barbird 25/08/04 15:46
- Right, my anti-climactic Vermin Kaye Story.
V's main stage had giant screens on either side. During the breaks it would show something
called 'Text the Fest'. Festival goers could send text messages to a special number and then see their
hilarious messages appear onscreen. You know, "The cameraman in the blue shirt is really fit", etc.
So anyhow, just before the Pixies came on, who should wander onstage but Vernon Kaye! He was filming
a link for the TV coverage. One wag decided to lob a beer cup at him. He responded by goading the
audience with a lairy Liam-style 'C'mon' hand-wag. This surprisingly encouraged a lot more throwing.
Sadly I was too far back, so I did the next best thing.
Text to 80320: "Hi Vernon, tell us more about your hit show Girls and Boys"
(Told you it was anticlimactic)
costas 25/08/04 23:29
- Molly has been really ill (chucking up a lot)
:( But seems a bit better this afternoon. I have also been in the wars. I was up with
tooth ache and rushed to the dentist. The nerve in my tooth had died. I had an emergency root canal. And
you know how much I HATE dentists.
*kicks things*
drkilldare 26/08/04 14:37
- photshop is GAY, MS Paint is where it's at
louis 27/08/04 11:26
- my brother went to a nightclub in pontefract once
he was drunk and getting rather *friendly* with a, as he put it, a rough northern slapper
when she whispered into his ear "ooooo, i'm all wet" - he was rather intrigued and said in a flirty way
"oh yeah, why's that?" to which she replied "forgot to pull me knickers down when i went for a piss" he
left shortly afterwards
jean_grellie
27/08/04 12:41
- *serious face*
Because DKD never lies.
Please note my sunburn, the crease lines caused by lying on the mag, Del Boy's hat, Albert's beard
and Dave in the background.
drkilldare 30/08/04 19:40
- God, this place. It's just the same old people, day after day...
zig, stoaty, missjones, Lex-Rockhead...
tinyfecklesschild 31/08/04
16:20
- Uh! Oh! Uh!
Yes
aks 01/09/04 14:07
- Tonight La Stoat and I set the date.
Well, one of two. It is either the end of next month, followed by a honeymoon in
Scotchland (not overly keen on this) or next May followed by a honeymoon in Liguria (obv, I am far
keener on this one).
stoaty 02/09/04 00:15
- IT'S LIKE MENCAP, MATT
BUT EASIER TO GET INTO!
Spankie 02/09/04 12:33
- FOR SALE:
Will swap for Yoko ONO
r_r 02/09/04 13:07
- Right. I won a trip on the inaugral cruise of the Island Escape
(the one that was in all the papers because it had mutiny because the toilets didnt work
and it was shit) and we had a �30 free bar tab. Now the main bar is right at the top of the ship, and
sways a bit. On the last night the gang of us who had become friends had dinner in the a la carte
restaurant, and sank 4 bottles of red AND white wine, before going up to the top bar. There were two
bartenders, one polish and one british. The british one, Ben, was making up new cocktails, and needed
someone to test them out. My friend Jo and I gamely had a go, all the while getting flaming sambucas in
between (I had burnt lips for a week afterwards) And I drank one which was a pint glass half filled with
bitter, a half glass filled with malibu and coke, and a shot glass with vodka. Three straws, all at the
same time. I got pretty pissed, went to lie down on the sofa and join in a discussion about big brother.
Someone offered me a cigarette (I dont smoke) and I singed off part of one eyebrow trying to light it. I
then projectile vomited all over the glass coffee table and all over the bar, into the sink and all over
the liquor bottles and the glasses :( THEN when my friends tried to get me back to my cabin, we had to
walk through the casino, in front of all my friend Nick's big bosses, and my trousers fell down :(
cornished 04/09/04 09:42
- I worked on a mag once
where we ran a competition for "what's the scariest thing in the world". A kid sent in
pictures of all the magazine staff leaving or entering their homes. Nice.
extapolopokettle 06/09/04
10:44
- Serves him right for having sex with me!
Spankie 07/09/04 21:54
- *golf sale*
basket 08/09/04 12:56
- Quick!
Soak it in vinegar and keep it in the airing cupboard to make it go all hard.
Oh. You said canker. :(
kate_brush 08/09/04
13:55
- Queenie tomorrow
Spankie 08/09/04 13:58
aks 08/09/04 14:32
- just to fuck with his head
don't say a word to him, and then throw it at him. and storm off.
baconmcdouble 09/09/04
10:34
- two tigers walking down the high street...
one turns to the other and says, "quiet for a saturday"
deliberate_face
09/09/04 16:54
- Further down
I may have given the impression that I care about farmers or fox hunting or what any of
you spastics actually think. Apologies.
skin_chimney 10/09/04 13:11
- Facing another disappointing "Lunchables"-based dinner, C3-Spawn#1 just uttered...
"This is just not acceptable Dad, this is the sort of thing you hear about on
Newsround!"
Chopper3 14/09/04
18:42
- I'll tell you something else as well
I bet these cunts moaning about banning hunting being a threat to their country way of
life didn't give a flying fuck when their beloved Thatcher government systematically and vindictively
decimated the mining industry.
That was something that really affected many people's lives.
stoaty 15/09/04 17:21
- I sent this to Private Eye
Country folk gathered outside Parliament yesterday in a 20,000 strong protest. The
protesters are fighting new legislation which passed the Commons with a massive majority yesterday which
they see as an attack on the rural way of life and traditions spanning hundreds of years. Protesters
dressed in costumes and also erected a 40ft Wicker Man as part of the demonstration. Previous clashes
with the Police led to the disappearance of one officer, Sergeant Howie, believed to have joined the
protesters and is now living in a commune.
�People living in towns do not understand our ways� said Lord Summerisle, leader of the protest.
�The future of the countryside, our produce and our way of life depend on our traditions and we will not
let these heathens tell us what to do�.
Lord Summerisle addressing the crowd
Ann Widdicombe joined the protesters and was delighted to be invited to climb inside the enormous
effigy being present for the ceremonial lighting of the Wicker Man as crowds surged singing �Sumer is
ycomen in�. Christopher Lee is 153.
moiness 16/09/04 10:19
- tfhousemate: Did you see that programme about homebuyers in Donegal the other day?
tfc: Yes, I HATED them *rants at length*
tfhousemate: They are my aunt and uncle
tinyfecklesschild 16/09/04
20:51
- what, this thing *reposts shamelessly*
just coz you get a mention bishi
staples 20/09/04 21:06
- "How exactly do you explain that daddy or mommy killed themselves to a kid"
*knock at door*
*kid answers*
"Hello there. Do you know how many parents you've got?"
"2"
"WRONG!"
flotskybruce 21/09/04 17:18
- *thinks of knockers, out of respect*
burt_girth 22/09/04 08:54
- *ahem*
Sunday 22 September 1661 (Lord�s day). Before church time walking with my father in the
garden contriving. So to church, where we had common prayer, and a dull sermon by one Mr. Case, who yet
I heard sing very well. Saw Miss Goodeboddy on the way out. Slipped her a note which read "I hear you go
over like a fat dog on wet lino". So to dinner, and busy with my father about his accounts all the
afternoon, and people came to speak with us about business. Mr. Barnwell at night came and supped with
us. He was unable to get a carriage so we hot wired a Brigham. Pursued by Bow St Runners for many
minutes, at speeds up to 3 mph. Shook them off at Shoreditch, the useless twats. So after setting
matters even with my father and I, to bed.
skin_chimney 23/09/04 10:54
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GoldCD 24/09/04 14:07
- PB slebspot the following day...
"I saw that Cybill Shepherd on the Tube yesterday. She kept staring at me, the mardy
cow.
GoofyTeeth, 23/9/04 9.32am
smoomonster 24/09/04 14:56
- I fucking hate MTV Iraq
staples 24/09/04 15:14
- The film Notting Hill was written by Richard Curtis.
On a completely unrelated matter, a colleague of mine was at Regents Park Theatre a few
years ago and told me about the time a group being taken on a backstage tour opened a dressing room door
that they shouldn't have...
and found a blond Welsh actor having sex with a blow up doll.
tinyfecklesschild 26/09/04
17:15
- Actually my best drunk story is
when I got very drunk in propaganda's in Old Street. I had so much vodka I could hardly
stand let alone dance. But I tried to do my crazy legs, dropped my glass and then slipped on the spilt
drink. I fell on my face. There was blood. I got up and pretended nothing had happened and it was part
of the act. I then got a bit too close to my flat mate who I was totally in love with. We flirted a lot
and went home. In the kitchen we started to kiss. He then looked at me and said: 'Haha. Where the fuck
are your teeth? You have no teeth!" I told him to shut up and we carried on kissing. But he kept saying
I had no teeth and I went to bed in a strop. In the morning I woke up and my face was killing me. I went
and looked in the mirror. I did indeed have no front teeth. I had smashed them out on the dance floor.
But this isn't the worst part. As it was a Saturday, I went to emergency dentist in Wood Green. He put
on temp plastic teeth until after Christmas break. That night was our work xmas party. After another
skin full a load of us went for a curry. I tried to sex up flat mate again. He then started laughing and
said my teeth had turned green. Fucking curry. I had lime green teeth all Christmas :(
drkilldare 26/09/04 23:15
- Well I can't put it off any longer
Have been trying to avoid preparing for tomorrow, when I am in for an absolute kicking in
Glasgow High Court, but I think I'd better get on with preparing case. Wish me luck.
Baudolino 27/09/04 11:34
- daily act of pure evil no.1
work colleage eating bacon sandwich, gets brown sace all over chin. I say
"you look like veronica moser"
she say "who?"
i say "look on t'internet"
she did.
in work.
unclemoo 28/09/04
10:15
- I've just turned down that job
so please keep your finger, toes, ears, clackers, the LOT crossed for me for Friday now...
spij_cat 28/09/04 13:30
- mornin *waves* x
i left the flat today, travelled to work by bus, walked into the office and have only just
realised i have a big dollop of moisturiser in the middle of my forehead. *belms* yes, it does look like
spunk.....
poppixie 29/09/04 10:19
- I have a girlfriend pillow
You whisper into its ear and make it giggle and squirm, and then you say the wrong thing
and it makes you sleep on the sofa
skin_chimney 29/09/04 11:50
- ok so the recruiter who found me some jobs
in San Diego, Vienna and Toronto has responded to my request for jobs in London.
By getting me an interview with a company based in London, Ontario.
toneknob 30/09/04 15:56
- ball pits are bad
at the weekend my friend took his toddler twins to wacky warehouse. One of them managed to
poo herself and took her pants and trousers off. They didn't notice that she had no pants on, and when
they finally did - they couldn't find her pants, only the trousers.
Somewhere there's a kid in cardiff that had a very yucky surprise : (
missjones 04/10/04 12:43
- I'm making a documentary
about an ethnic gentleman who is sexually aroused by internet chatrooms - I'm calling it
the Wog of Phwoar
skin_chimney 05/10/04 11:27
- Stupid things stupid people say:
Bloke who likes novelty mobile ringtones on the subject of Marmite: "HAHAHAHAH nerver has
there been a truer advert! Hahahah you do either love it or hate it! Hahahaha"
*discussion turns to if we do or don't like it*
"Novelty ringtone man - do you love it or hate it?"
"Erm, not sure really! It's OK I suppose..."
*belm*
Spankie 05/10/04 12:39
- Fucking French bastards.
burt_girth 05/10/04 13:06
- black, obv.
EDIT I actually don't have one. Being a music fan is a plus though.
blacktype 06/10/04 10:00
- what did *YOU* have for breakfast?
I couldn't give a fuck if this is corn or not
basket 06/10/04 15:11
- see the mothers in the park
ugly creatures, chiefly
someone must have loved them once
in the dark and briefly
jean_grellie
07/10/04 14:10
- Afternoon
I have had a nice day with old school friends I haven't seen in a while. I caught up on
all the gossip (some of it a decade old). Was it wrong of me to laugh about Jamie Blagdon? I went out
with him when I was 14. He was veh veh good looking. Unfortunately, a while a go he had a row with he
girlfriend in a wood and she smacked him with a branch and he lost an eye. I REALLY tried not to laugh
but failed. And I said..."literally a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." Poor the now not so good
looking Jamie :(*
*goes to hell
drkilldare 07/10/04 16:18
- *spins, twirls guns, plants feet*
morning cocksuckers.
leguape 08/10/04 10:36
- my friend (the condom recycler)
has toddler twins and the other day at the wacky warehouse, one of them pooed herself in
the ball pit, took off her trousers and pants and carried on running round.
They never found her pants
missjones 08/10/04 11:44
- I HAVE JUST HAD THE BEST NEWS EVER
One of tfdad's translations is going to be performed at the NATIONAL. Can't say more at
this point but he would have been SO happy.
26/01/04 15:52
- Just 'cos it's wearing a dress, it doesn't make it a burd ...
04/02/04 14:43
- Morning kids
Hope you all had a nice weekend. I am now engaged to be married - so mine was pretty
eventful... Basket - How was Brussels..?
16/02/04 09:12
- I had an uncomfortable revelation yesterday.
I've always wondered who Britney Spears reminded me of. Then, yesterday, it dawned on me.
She looks like my mum c.1970.
You've wanked it, you can't unwank it.
25/02/04 11:04
- nah it's about three years old, doubt i could get it up me bum.
05/03/04 20:12
- Morning all! Great news!
The US Military have set up their own Ministry of Propaganda news agency. It's
called Fox News the
Digital Video and Imagery Distribution System and it's been created to provide news footage for
the sections of the media who "can't afford to send a reporter to Iraq".
Army Col. Rick Thomas, who heads the effort, said "The vast majority of the media are dependent on
other news organizations to get their products. We think we can give them some more focused copy. There
are numerous good news stories that aren't told that do provide a better balance on the overall
successes we achieved in Iraq".
And finally, just time for a look at tomorrow's papers.
The Guardian: 'Explosion kills 200 in Iraq'.
The Telegraph: '50 coalition troops die in worst day of carnage since war ended'.
The Shitfield Advertiser: 'Look! A picture of a US Marine waving to a little Iraqi boy!
Awwww!'.
08/03/04 10:00
- 'Music' News
Bryan McFadden could pair up with his wife Kerry for joint television work after quitting
Westlife.
Max Clifford, who is PR adviser for the McFaddens, said "I will be sitting down with Bryan and Kerry
over the next few weeks, talking through all the various offers. Then three quarters of the way through,
I'll stand up and talk through all the various offers in a higher key"
09/03/04 13:04
- a funny - if badly written story - heard from lauren laverne
One of the proclaimers is married to a dwarf � lauren's friend was out with them and their
wives for dinner etc and they ended up back at someones house, chatting and drinking etc � nobody
mentioned the fact that the woman was a dwarf, no comment was made � but lauren's friend was very aware
of it and kept having to bite his tongue � it got late and eventually the woman yawned and said �I�m
sleepy, I�m off to bed� to which the bloke replied �ah, I wondered which one you were� ... he was shown
the door shortly afterwards
10/03/04 09:52
- me regret the eighties? ooooh nooooo......
10/03/04 15:55
- Me and the Mrs took a cd rom of photos in to Jessops
to get developed the other day. You stick it in a machine and it shows your pics on
screen, you choose the ones you want, it copies them and bob's your uncle.
How embarassing as the teenage spod counterboy was pressing the buttons for us and up popped a
picture taken (in stealth) by La Stoat of me having a shit whilst talking on the phone, complete with
nads and cock on view as a Ieant forward to strain harder. :-(
10/03/04 23:29
- hahaha
ffs
I have just heard someone here tell a client 'We want to make you the rockstars of
business process management. Are you ready to rock'
:(
11/03/04 11:40
- A few years ago i used to work at my dads as a receptionist
(he is a solicitor) It was qute dull although there was a nice young welsh lad who used to
pop in and use the toliet while he waited for his mam. Always had a twinkle in his eye....
18/03/04 13:59
- Hang on...
12/04/04 21:53
- when you look at it closely
spoilt trust fund kids and their families aren't really that different from pikey kids and
their families
- its just that they take coke instead of speed
- if jemima gets up the duff then tarquin's parents will sort out an abortion pronto in case the
little bastard tried to get its hand on the family inheritance
- both types are usually as thick as shit, its just that the trust fund kid speaks with a plum in
its gob
- pikey mum and posh mum are both adverse to housework, its just that posh mum can afford a maid.
- pikey dad will spend his money down the betting shop/pub/strip-joint and will have an affair with
the single mum next door, whilst posh dad will spend his money on shares/whiskey/high class hookers and
will have an affair with his daughter's best mate
swings and roundabouts really.
21/04/04 14:09
- when they gave me an internal examination in hospital
the nurse stood at the end of the bed and shone a big torch up my ladybits while the dr
poked about. It was not any kind of medical torch, just one you might get from argos or summat. this led
mr spicey to make several jokes about miner's helmets and sending canaries in.
21/04/04 16:01
- For Matt - me dressed as one of Kraftwerk.
21/04/04 17:02
- I had to hand out flyers to all the stewdents
sitting on the grass and drinking alcopops.
One young chappy thought he would be funny and say, "can I have a blue one, no a yellow, wait a red"
so I told him to fuck off, which surprised him a bit
26/04/04 15:36
- here you go
there was a young lad in his teens
Who wasn't too sure how he leans
To be sucked or
to choke
With a girl or a bloke
Either way his Mum said it demeans
29/04/04 10:51
- I had a cunning idea the other day
how about communal editing powers? It would work in a similar way to the karma, say if 5
people all clicked to remove a message, it would be deleted.
30/04/04 10:00
- OK
I did the nipple/radio trick, where you hide a small radio behind you without the other
person knowing, twiddle one of their nipples and turn the radio on v loud at the same time with your
other hand. I did that once and had to peel the poor cow off the ceiling. She cried and shook for about
3 hours :(
30/04/04 14:07
- i rememeber also,back in the day of the Lesbian Avengers (a lesbian rights group)
they tried to initiate night-time cruising on Hampstead Heath for lezzas...quite a few
women turned up but as the lezza scene is so small and we all knew each other, it basically ended up
with people sitting down for a chat and a smoke under a tree, and a couple of fites breaking out between
poeple who shouldn't have been there cos they were married up.
30/04/04 14:09
- Right folks. Last post for today.
Here you go, from an old Cornished web photo gallery.
Boobs
30/04/04 16:46
- Inevitably
06/05/04 13:11
- I posted this little tale yesterday - but I'll make a shameless repost to amuse more people.
Last Saturday the kids in Diss were giving a skateboarding demonstration in front of the
Mere to raise money for a skatepark.
My Grandad is a fan of skateboarders so he watched them, then while they were clearing up he went
and had a go on their ramp on his electric-old-persons buggy thing.
10/05/04 10:50
- i really don't feel we should dehumanise women in this way
they aren't objects for your fucking amusement; they are doctors, lawyers, scientists and
teachers. shame on you.
anyway, the top one up the wrongun while pramface licked my balls
10/05/04 15:02
- here is little one eyed spicey dog
10/05/04 21:28
- Warning: imap_open(): Couldn't open stream {localhost/pop3:110}INBOX in
/home/bobpitch/public_html/b
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rusholme_ruffian 12/05/04 18:04
- My one works if you blink your eyes really fast
golostruda 13/05/04 23:36
- Women's bodies are generally attractive
and from the naked photos you've posted it looks like it might not be a bad idea for you
to be entombed in concrete.
freudianskip 18/05/04 14:06
- Almost moved in...
Been to Ikea today, and had meeting with ExMrsV, who inadvertantly found the pictures on
my digital camera from friday night...
"andrew, who is this girl you are snogging in this photo?"
Laughed, I nearly Shat
AndyV 20/05/04 19:56
- For jenkis
Well, it made me smile
freudianskip 23/05/04 21:40
- Let me check...
costas 27/05/04 11:01
- Please, if you have anything cynical to say about this
don't say anything at all:
My mum went to see one of my gran's neighbours today, to tell her that she had died. Mum thought she
would already know but no one had told her. Anyway...
My gran died on thursday morning, and on thursday afternoon the neighbour was in her front garden
and saw my gran standing in the doorway of her (my gran's) house.
barbird 01/06/04 21:30
- Okay, to replace the currently minging and unrepresentative flid pic of me
shocked_princess 07/06/04 23:09
- I was just "iPhoto'ing" my holibob photos...
...and found this picture which I think is the nicest ever of my little girl...
Chopper3 08/06/04 22:22
- Hey Grellie
Look! There's a new clown in town.
Pasta 10/06/04 15:19
- *plugs self in*
stoaty 10/06/04
15:36
- Scenes you seldom see:
Sorry, I was wrong
zig_zag_zog 10/06/04 15:50 Reply *
pace Private Eye
rusholme_ruffian 10/06/04 15:52
- I've just remembered..
a while ago, I posted my work email address of the board, and pieeater looked up my work
phone number and address and posted it.
spij_cat 10/06/04 17:08
- Just had to log back in for this from SniffPetrol.com
freudianskip 10/06/04 18:01
- *changes topic* on friday night after the pub
we went up to david blaine, i grabbed a card out of his hand without being invited to do
so, then called him a cheating cunt and he might have replied "whatever, bitch" but i don't really
remember now. anyway, he's veh short and has a spoonfull of mong in him.
oral_rinse 14/06/04 08:46
- The early 70's were scary dark years for child protection
flotskybruce 14/06/04 21:05
- Merry birthday Corny. Make a wish.
golostruda 16/06/04 00:00
- The Chinese want me.
Cheeks 16/06/04 11:49
- split up with my fiancee last night
so now my birthday trip to Barcelona this weekend
is off as well -((
her_name_is_rio 18/06/04 16:44
- For anybody who missed it last night, my first animated gif:
GoldCD 25/06/04 10:14
- *looks down*
My favorite Damien Rice review
staples
25/06/04 12:25
- afternoon all.
I appear to have been offered a new job :)
Man, am I gonna drink tonight.
ptang 25/06/04
13:29
- *repeats*
This is what MAKES ME ANGRY about the interweb
Fucking hell she SHAGGED a mong. BIG DEAL. So what? It's ok for a bloke to have a one-night stand
but not for the girl? FOR GAWD'S SAKE! The interweb is a big clusterfuck anyway.
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHH
*explodes*
drkilldare 25/06/04 16:54
- Parents, eh?
mister_roberts 28/06/04 09:10
- HAha- guy who works here snt his CV to a famous ad agency and got htis reply
I think the author may be leaving the company soon.
Thanks for sending us your CV.
Unfortunately we don't have anything at the
> >moment.
> >
> >To be honest, it's not such a great place to work anyway. For a start we've
> >got nowhere to hang our coats so we have to spend a fortune dry-cleaning
> >the creases out of them. And do you think the company pays for it? Like
> >hell they do. Imagine this. You're on the phone and you need to write
> >something down. Pretty common enough occurrence wouldn't you think? So you
> >look around for a pen and a post-it note. Now in most companies that
> >wouldn't be too much to ask would it? Well you'd have sod all chance at
> >'veryfamousadagency'. What do they expect us to do? Memorise every bloody telephone
> >number? And if you're looking for an office romance...forget it. There's
> >not one bit of talent here. Male, female or otherwise.
> >
> >So you've probably got off lightly. Count yourself lucky. This time.
plastic-wood
05/07/04 14:14
- I'm on a roll
I've just been commissioned to write a web site on yoga.
I'll show that evil fatherDKD that I can make it my own, oh yes!
drkilldare 05/07/04 15:32
- so those cunts have made me redundant,
and now they scowl everytime i go on another desk for shadowing/extra experience even
though they were blattering on about how they're going to do everything and allow time for retraining
etc...just had a massive fight about it with mongoboss and i may yet get fired :(
anyway, couldn't log in all day, did i miss anything?
oral_rinse 07/07/04 17:29
- Hurrah!
Most people just harbour terrorists. Freeradical takes them in and gives them a warm bath.
You, sir, are a true gent.
costas 08/07/04 21:02
- Man goes into a pub, stands at the bar and orders a drink.
Suddenly, he hears a tiny voice coming from a bowl peanuts saying "Ooh, you're gorgeous
you are. That's a lovely shirt you've got on. I like what you've done with your hair" and similar
niceties. Puzzled, he goes to buy a packet of cigarettes and is startled when the cigarette machine
starts yelling at him "YOU FUCKING WANKER! GO ON, FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF BEFORE I CUT YOU!" He
attracts the attention of the barman and asks what on earth is going on and is told "The nuts are
complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."
ginger 09/07/04 17:35
- I've read some pitiful shit
on the internet before but this takes the fucking cream cracker. You're a brave one aren't
you fuckface? I hope your wife snaps and pours draincleaner down your throat while you're snoring. Oh
and by the way, EVERYONE here knows about your erectile problems, goldfish dick.
skin_chimney 13/07/04 10:17
- *belms at stupitity of the net-tard*
she even changed her email address to a hotmail one, and posted from a normal BT ISP
account - but GOLDCD KNOWS ALL - DO NOT CROSS HIM!
GoldCD 13/07/04 10:56
- For the final time:
It's called bobpitch2 as we're running on a different server. The mail is still running on
the old server as I've not worked out the best way of moving it across. If I'd called the new server
bobpitch.com then all your emails would have got confused and fallen off the edge of the internet.
GoldCD 19/07/04 10:48
- Not if he was called
Freddie Children, no.
flotskybruce 19/07/04 12:35
- I've got a great idea for a TV programme: "Straight Eye for the Straight Girl".
Basically I get some nice, well mannered girl. Dress her up all slutty. Encourage her to
get drunk. Give her boob implants. Teach her how to cook, and how to take a punch. Voila! Perfect telly.
puppyshunter
20/07/04 10:03
- Dear Uncle Hox
Thank you for your kind package. Unfortunately we do have a record player on which to play
'Frampton Comes Alive'. I like the crayon drawing of the ATV logo you sent.
love
Johnson
CFB 20/07/04 14:45
- *relaxes*
36-week scan. Both twins are ~3kg and healthy. One seems to have had a rib removed and
giving himself a very special 'bath' though. :-/
deadfred 22/07/04 12:36
- I can't remember if I've told you this before but what the hey
Last month I was round at a friend's house, he had his sister and her boyfriend staying in
the front room on the futon. Before I sat down on it I noticed a strange white mark on the fabric,
closer inspection revealed that it was in fact an extremely clearly defined 'footprint' of his sister's
mooey. Stamped on to the futon matress with her feminine 'ink' the night before, no doubt during some
kind of degraded sex-play.
He has tried to scrub it off but you can still see a faint outline, he won't sit on that futon
anymore.
smer
23/07/04 11:54
- that hoxton/sunshine incident
he says he doesn't remember but i don't believe a word of it:
I was sitting opposite hoxt, freerad next to me. sunshine_doray was standing at the end of the
table, leaning over between hoxt and me. I notice hoxt looking down s_d's top, nudge freed who clocks
him at it as well. hoxt notices us sniggering, and defends himself thus: "oi... come on. I wasn't
*touching*"
toneknob 26/07/04 13:28
- It's my day off
and I feel awful :(
GoldCD 26/07/04 16:08
- following the "what different races smell like" thread down there
i remember watching right to reply one saturday about ten years ago when there was a
short-haired slightly rad fem looking woman (looked a bit like spicey actually) having her "right to
reply" to a chap, not dissimilar to victor from BB5, who had made a programme about his experiences with
white women. couple of minutes of petty bickering with the woman getting gradually more annoyed and
eventually bellowing "you can't tell me my cunt stinks". At 6pm. In front of my parents.
hoxtonwanka
27/07/04 16:00
- How does one ork a cow?
r_r 27/07/04 16:02
- a sarong made of bubble wrap
and inside each bubble I've carefully injected a single live sperm
oh and some teak clogs
smer
28/07/04 11:59
- How d'you spell Auschwitz - O W, and then what?
A U
What about me?
No, it starts A U
How does it end?
Z
...and what's in the middle?
S C H W I T
Hmm, sure there's not another letter in there?
Nope, what's the clue?
Camp, 10 letters
It's effeminate
cachemonkey 28/07/04
15:20
- and on your way home
you drunkenly staggered out into the middle of the road with a traffic cone on your head,
forcing a mini to swerve violently to avoid you?
Iching 30/07/04
12:54
- i would've let you blind yourself so you'd never be able to leave me
but i'm a soppy old romantic innit
bishibashi 30/07/04 16:39
- I've always thought there was something odd about that Famke
stoaty 31/07/04 20:32
- took my Chevy to the levy
but the levy was dry
them good ole boys
were drinking whisky and rye
singing
FUCK OFF PIEEATER YOU'RE A CUNT YOU'RE A CUNT YOU'RE A CUNT
skin_chimney 02/08/04 17:08
- I have just done a
�5,000 booking for two people going to the turks and caicos islands in april, flying with
british airways world traveller plus. 10% commission. You could actually see the pound signs
flash in my eyes. KERCHING!
cornished 03/08/04 16:12
- Altzheimers is a cunt
pen2k 04/08/04 09:29
- Tuesday's Storm: Britain in Turmoil
costas 04/08/04 23:17
- Twenty-odd years ago
David Essex was in Carlisle for some unknown reason, and needed to park his big flash car.
He chose the (clearly marked) private station car park. Plod mate went up to him and said "Can't park
here sir, this is private - station staff only"
DE "But I can't park in a public car park"
PM "Why not sir?"
DE "Don't you know who I am?"
PM "No sir"
DE "I'm David Essex"
PM "Sorry sir, I don't follow football"
Baudolino 05/08/04 15:38
- Many years ago
Irish mate said to me "jaysus fock, I've never met anyone as bad as you for pedanticism"
"I think you mean pedantry" I replied
Baudolino 09/08/04 21:58
- Apropos scaring the shit out of women for japes
When I shared a flat with my cousin we would fill our days with devising elaborate pranks
to play on his gf. One of them involved us taping ourselves talking and playing computer games, then
setting up a series of mirrors so the remote control for the stereo could still function outside the
room. When we heard her key in the door we hid in the cellar and 'activated' the dummy voices.
When we jumped out from behind the door she was so scared her first instinct was to punch my cousin
full in the face, so hard he had to go to casualty with concussion.
smer
11/08/04 11:06
- Layzandgennelmen, I present the new BP pome
Which I have entitled 'How to tell the newgays from the ladies':
There are a lot of newgays here, all searching for their peers
Which is a thing that jenks and I have waited for for years
Good news for him, but not for me, is they all seem quite young
To take example agent p and mr p, fat tongue
Special and bumvictim always have a lot to say,
'You gay' 'Shut up you gay' 'Shut up' 'You great big gay'
If you want to know of money stuff then you should really ask it
And use the expertise of our own market trader basket.
There's a pretty, heavy breasted girl who chose the name of Cheeks
She's our humble tribute to the genius of Twin Peaks
If you're bored of all the talk of beer or films or cock or choons
You can join the adoration of STROONSY STROONSY STROONS
T'word on't street would seem to be that Spicey is quite juicy
We're all intrigued by Moiness and by witty, mardy Moussey,
But the joy of BP this last year, if you're asking this bald lad
Is the Parker of the intermong, the great and glorious Glad.
tinyfecklesschild 12/08/04
00:06
- This pome is called 'Newbies: How to tell the girls from the gays'
There are a lot of newgays here, all searching for their peers
Which is a thing that jenks and I have waited for for years
Good news for him, but not for me, is they all seem quite young
To take example agent p and mr p, fat tongue
Special and bumvictim always have a lot to say,
'You gay' 'Shut up you gay' 'Shut up' 'You great big gay'
If you want to know of money stuff then you should really ask it
And use the expertise of our own market trader basket.
There's a pretty, heavy breasted girl who chose the name of Cheeks
She's our humble tribute to the genius of Twin Peaks
If you're bored of all the talk of beer or films or cock or choons
You can join the adoration of STROONSY STROONSY STROONS
T'word on't street would seem to be that Spicey is quite juicy
We're all intrigued by Moiness and by witty, mardy Moussey,
But the joy of BP this last year, if you're asking this bald lad
Is the Parker of the intermong, the great and glorious Glad.
tinyfecklesschild 12/08/04
09:58
really?
2 months ago you couldn't afford the insurance on a 300bhp Porsche, last week you are bought a
450bhp Audi. A month ago you were talking about your mortgage, last week you had bought you new house
for cash as you had 'made a few quid playing the buy to let market'.
Today you have said that you hadn't moved yet, a few weeks ago you had, and were having a kitchen
installed with a LCD kettle or some bollocks.
Shall I go on?
basket 12/08/04 11:22
- me as a brunette
the_light_fantastic 12/08/04 18:29
- multimedia message
This Orange Multi Media Message was sent wirefree from an Orange MMS phone. If you would like to
reply, please text or phone the sender directly by using the phone number listed in the sender's
address. To learn more about Orange's Multi Media Messaging Service, find us on the Web at
www.orange.co.uk/mms. Go on, please contact us. I spend all day waiting for someone to email me. Does
anyone? Do they bollocks. Bastards! Fuck you all. I hope your stupid phone breaks and you get cancer
from the batteries and your brain seeps out of your ears and you step in it & slip and fall over. On
your fat ARSE
skin_chimney 13/08/04 17:00
- Mummy Pen2k sent me this as a belated (novelty) B'day pressie...
My first thought upon casting off the
wrapping paper was 'great! I can pretend Spidey is wanking me off in the shower!'
pen2k 17/08/04 14:51
- *WRATH*
khan 18/08/04 09:36
smer
18/08/04 12:13
- Oh dear
goldcd accidentally sent an email to my mum about cocaine. Now my mum thinks I am a
cocaine addicted drugdump and 'therewillbewordswhenyougethomeyounglady' :( *feels 15 again*
cornished 18/08/04 12:40
- 'I vass only following ze orders'
staples
18/08/04 14:44
- I love my Mum,
(last night)
*Mobile rings*,
Me'Hi Mum, long time no hear.'
Basketmum:'I called you last week, a man answered you phone and pretended I had the wrong number,
didn't you get the message?'
Me: No Mum, no I didn't
basket 19/08/04 15:17
- Just remembered a Drooler #0 story
One of the screens on the system we use requires that the number 13 be entered in one of
the firlds and our hero was instructed to do so. However, it later became apparent that he had been
entering 12 instead. When asked why he was doing this, he replied "Because 13's unlucky."
ginger 19/08/04 16:03
aks 20/08/04 10:48
- happy birthday miss jones
louis 20/08/04 15:00
- my nephew and i watched that, lying on the couch.
when she stopped he said, 'i'm really glad she stopped, she's too ugly to win anything'.
just before the marathon began, he rather enjoyed the beach volleyball final, muttering 'hubba, hubba'
every now and again...
he's 7 ladies and gentlemen.
poppixie 23/08/04 12:03
- just spoke to ExMrsB for sirst time since break-up.
surprisingly upsetting. *reaches for tangfastics* I WILL NOT drink or smoke.
baconmcdouble 23/08/04
23:19
- went to see ex mrs V...
cried a bit...
and watched the girl next door whilst simultaneously crying and wanking into my bachelor meal for
one...
AndyV 24/08/04 09:38
- I love kids me
staples
26/08/04 15:00
- On the way to work today
I saw someone had taken three "SOLD" signs from an estate agents and rammed them through
the same estate agents letter box, poking about six feet out of the door, so the people at the Estate
Agents can't get into work. I suspect that they are unhappy.
Still, best piece of vandalism I have seen yet.
domesticterrorist 27/08/04 09:02
- Frankly, I don't even think she's trying.
puppyshunter
27/08/04 11:17
- Bollox,
I've just scraped leftover risotto into the laundry bin.
basket 29/08/04 22:21
- *ironside legs*
basket 31/08/04 10:20
- nope
i flashed my platinum amex card and said "does this look like something a 17-yr-old would
have". what an utter cunt i must have looked. can i take the opportunity now to apologise to anyone who
might have witnessed that incident
hoxtonwanka
31/08/04 13:04
- Hiya lovey fuckers,
Dave the drive sends his love. He has been away for a month. The first thing he said to me
as I got in the car was..
'So you've managed to lose that old bint Tracey then?'
:(((
Edit: Custard, I don't tink it was the bottle of beer he was worried about, more the cripped sloane
you dragged along, that was holding it.
basket 02/09/04 22:06
- Heh!
I've just tried to right click on an image on a Newcastle Utd fan site and got this pop-up
ginger 03/09/04 15:24
- Call centres can be GRATE though...
When I was 23 I worked in the phone room at First Call, for �4 an hour plus 5p commission
per ticket sold. It was generally miserable but there were superb moments of comedy cos people have
their guard down on the phone. Like the man who called and said 'My wife's just left me and I'd like two
tickets for Miss Saigon'
And I looked at the screen and had to say 'I'm sorry sir, there's only one available'
tinyfecklesschild 07/09/04
12:37
- It was a lump of quartz that would "answer any question"
After the rock had claimed to be neither igneous, sedimentary or metamorphic I'm afraid it
all got a little unpleasant
freudianskip 07/09/04 20:58
- oh dear.
*cuts'n'pastes, sends to FHM*
basket 08/09/04 13:08
- "we'll have a large g+t and some... what do you want darling? and a appa joos please."
bishibashi 08/09/04 16:05
- i quite like him
no one likes what he does but he's very good at it.
he is the zig_zag_zog of the premiership.
bishibashi 09/09/04 09:55
-
Another satisfied customer
--
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MMS phone. If you would like to reply, please text or phone the
sender directly by using the phone number listed in the sender's
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toneknob 09/09/04 15:46
- 'Hey grellie, remember when bacon did that thing at the pub last night!!'
Brilliant!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
skin_chimney 10/09/04 10:11
- my love life update
*cries*
toneknob 10/09/04 10:32
- I HAVE GONE DOWN A WHOLE DRESS SIZE!!!
I tried a skirt on I bought in the sale (two sizes too small but I had already started the
diet) and it nearly fits!!
*bogles*
Spankie 12/09/04 12:27
- The perils of sleeping too long on a beach.
I was on the Greek Island of Rhodes for a holiday in June this year. Now, being Scottish
and therefore having skin that could be sponsored by Daz, I was very careful with the Sun
lotion/Aftersun etc. on a holiday where the average temperature was in the mid thirties. I was there a
week with no problems whatsoever. Even began to get a bit of a tan. When I say tan, I mean going from
white to cream.
Now on the last day as I was flying off that night, I decided one last hour or two down the beach
wouldn't do no harm. I put on the now factor 15 and lay down in the shade as I didn't want to get burnt
after being so careful all week. What I didn't account for was falling asleep and the planet revolving
round the Sun like all good planets do. The shade came off my legs and the equivalent of Gas Mark 5 went
on.
2 hours later, I woke up with red stinging legs. I went back to the hotel to have a shower and cool
down. After packing my bags and heading off to the airport, I then endured the most searing pain up and
down my legs on the flight home I had ever experienced. I couldn't sit still. After arriving at
Edinburgh airport, the pain went away much to my relief. On our way to Waverly station I pulled up my
Jean�s legs and took off the shoes to find the following on my left leg:
and this huge mofo on my right
Please don't miss each individual blister on every
toe
Once i got home it was straight to A&E where they then told me they had never seen anything like
it. In fact, they ahd the Burns Unit and Uni Research staff taking photos. I smiled. They 'de-roofed'
all the blisters with a pair of scissors. I never flinched once as the cutting tingles were nothing to
what I experienced on the plane home.
Anyway, they bandaged me up like this and told me to rest for a week.
Rest I did, for two hours, before packing the tent and
fcking off to the Isle of Wight festival to see The Who(Like I would miss that for anything) and Bowie
himself. This final picture is when they took the aforementioned bandages off. Several weeks of
redressing later and plenty of moisturisor, my legs are now nearly back to normal.
The moral of this story is to never fall asleep on a beach in that weather. Then again, you all knew
that. No one told me...
bolloxninja 13/09/04 21:34
- Spiders
have been used by Ordinance Survey, for the purpose of creating macro-scale maps, for well
over 50 years. They are now so well regarded that the MD is one. His name's Xenos IV.
burt_girth 15/09/04 13:13
- barbloke's sister was showing me some of her son's homework yesterday,
he is a very good drawer. Which might explain why he has an *artistic* temper.
He had to write an imaginary postcard about a horrible holiday. His went:
"Wish you were here. Yesterday I went to the beach but it was full of snakes so I went back home
again. Then I went to the pool. I wanted to dive, but there were perverts."
It must be weird being 10.
barbird 15/09/04 15:05
- has anyone else noted
the ball-aching irony of obvious asylum seekers selling copies of the Daily Mail outside
railway stations?
baconmcdouble 16/09/04
09:07
- this morning I was rendered a coruscating nimbus of pure LeguapeFury�
as I was strolling to work, a complete CUNT of an X5 driver, phone clasped to his ear,
cruised across the zebra crossing outside UCH, very nearly clipping a bloke in a fucking WHEELCHAIR, and
myself. It was all I could do to not run after him and scrape the scissors on my leatherman down the
side of his KnobWagon. There is NO excuse for those cars. None.
baconmcdouble 16/09/04
10:13
- Wish me luck with my i/v this arvo
actually the firm looks quite boring, but it's just down the road from me in Clapham. I
have another one with a more interesting firm on Monday - with the possibility of fabby money. I am
waiting to hear whether I'm going to be short-listed for the role of women's reproductive rights
advocacy officer - boristrufact
boris 16/09/04 15:02
- I CN HR U WNKNG
r_r 16/09/04 22:09
- The other night
Mr DKD went to bed early. He then MMS'd me a photo of his cock with the message
"WAITING...". I quite liked it actually.
drkilldare 16/09/04 22:10
- *beats joke to death*
pen2k 18/09/04 16:15
- "Ticket to Dottingham, please"
"Sounds like you need Tunes, mate!"
"Why? Is that the cure for Downs Syndrome?"
Spankie 18/09/04 17:11
- hot off the presses
staples 21/09/04 14:58
- It is part of Galliano's new 'Greasy spoon' range
thecustardmonkey
22/09/04 14:12
- Great.
I have my end of probation period review today.
Ever since I sent that email last week he has been funny with me.
*loses apetite for lunch*
Spankie 23/09/04 12:30
- thanks
the great thing about germany is that even if you've slept in a ditch and are covered in
your own sick, you're still the best-dressed person in any given room
hoxtonwanka
23/09/04 13:57
- FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK
a lovely lovely fiend of mine has just been into hospital for a a biopsy for bowel cancer,
this I discovered after telling the joke from a few days ago, I feel like shite :-(
I think I'm going to be taking a bottle of decent single malt to bed with me
night all
red_birkie 23/09/04 22:21
- Ah ha - right then
1. I quit me job the other week and have set up shop all by myself which is a bit shit
scary really
2. Just had lunch with my old man where i told him i am going to ask my girlf to marry me - he gave
me the thumbs up*
3. I went to a fake casino last night and won a lot of fake money, and am now quite want to go to a
proper one and spunk a load of money up the wall even though i cant afford to
Hello. Thats quite a lot of information about me i guess. Just feeling a bit giddy after lunch.
* this is not a euphemism
mb
24/09/04 13:33
- recent conversation with recruiter
- got your CV thanks. very excited by it! think we can do things with it. are you ok to
relocate?
- i'd like to stay in London thanks.
- ok. cool. I've got some really exciting opportunities in Vienna, San Diego, Toronto.
- i think they might be outside zone 6
toneknob 24/09/04 17:10
- Well
the worst was one boxing day and I watched a repeat of the Two Ronnies over his shoulder
while he pumped away.
blacktype 27/09/04 11:44
- we got this letter once
ClassicFM
The BBC
Broadcasting House
London
Dear Sirs
The advert where the man wants us to adopt a child
for �15 with a moanful voice is no good.
He should be asked what their own government is doing for its children as we have plenty of
problems here.Charity begins at home and i refuse
to fund other countries.
On another matter I am consulting my lawyer with my postion on sueing your radio station for causing
bodily harm.
That wretched commercial for ( i think) the yellow
pages with constant and realistic telephone ringing made my wife slip on the stairs in her mad rush
to answer the phone. I am sure hundreds of other people had had a similar problems. Your adverts are
inane.
Iam, Sir, Yours truly,
Henry Arkwright
matt 27/09/04 15:33
- happy birthday to me...happy birthday to me..
I got a fucking talking frog toy from my mother, and a pogo stick. Nothing from my father,
all my friends are too busy to come by and drink with me tonight, and it's open day at w*rk today. Happy
flidding birthday me. :(
Mr_Wednesday
28/09/04 08:26
- "...they never write, they never phone..."
louis 28/09/04 10:53
- Happy and bouncy and at nursery
AND...I told her to give mummy a kiss and she BLEW ME A KISS. For the first time.
*melts*
Aw.
drkilldare 28/09/04 11:52
- i'd avoid freeradical
if you are going to get tipsy
and MBN for OBV reasons
burt will just stink your toliet out with derp smerk so don't invite him
Queenie will drink all your booze
and incognito would bring his biker mates and wreck the place.
If i was you i'd just invite hoxton
matt 28/09/04 16:00
- i was lying on the bed with an ex-boyfriend once
and was on the phone to my sister, she asked if my boyf was there and i said yes - really
loudly she said "IS HE HANGING OUT OF THE BACK OF YER?"
:(
jean_grellie
28/09/04 17:04
- hahahaha what a twat
i just had to call an estate agent back to tell him we had completed on the purchase of a
property and he could release the keys - i've spoken to him a couple of times, and he seemed quite fun
and amiable, so i told him he could "RELEASE THE HOUNDS!" he was silent for a moment and then said
"what?" - i said, in a quiet voice "you can release the keys"
:(
jean_grellie
29/09/04 12:26
- Mrsfb just came down to tell me this:
Group is eating some snacks.
Vanilla Ice: Whats this shit?
Ritchie 5ive: Its Homous
Vanilla Ice: I ain't eating no shit named after no terrorist group
flotskybruce 29/09/04 22:30
- Boris regretted overdressing for the Brookes spring ball
bishibashi 30/09/04 12:20
- Bye everyone xx
Spankie 03/10/04 20:23
- This is why people should never try and do shit on the interslice
without enlisting the aid of a friendly geek first. Just spoke to a potential client about
doing some web stuff for him. I asked 'Have you registered a domain yet?'. He says, yes, a company
called us last week and asked if we wanted to register the .com and .co.uk domains for our company name,
so we did.
Me: 'How much did you pay?'. Him: 500 quid per domain.
I belmed *furiously* at him when I explained he could have done it himself, or got me to do it, for
approx 20 quid per domain.
Fuckwit.
stoaty 05/10/04 10:19
- probably darker if you lived on the Russian
border than in Wales where Howard was actually born.
I was born in London, october 1978 which was a bad time in the Tanzania-Uganda conflict.
The Good Doctor 05/10/04 13:37
- Some time ago I told you in my three facts that I will be a Dad
What I didn't say at the time was that my Mum died around the same time we found out. What
we now know is that we conceived within 24 hours of Mum dying. Being a Dad is the only thing I have ever
really wanted and for certain reasons this should not have happened. My Mum knew all this, however to
you the board I say "Spooky or just huuuuuuge big coincidence?"
goforthecheese 05/10/04 23:56
- Bless the tfhousemate.
He is EVERSO careful about what he eats and stuff- mildly Atkinsy, no carbs after 6, all
that kind of thing. But he does have a tendency to get drunk. When he got in last night, he had a huge
bowl of Vanilla icecream, covered in double cream, which he scooped into his mouth using chocolate Hob
Nobs.
tinyfecklesschild 07/10/04
12:17
- Dear Militant Iraqis
I am deeply upset at the death of Ken Bigley. I discovered this afternoon he was a
fanatical Evertonian. You bastards. We're in short supply as it is and now we are one less. Man Utd
fans, however, are ten-a-penny and you get really good publicity if they go missing in their
favourite shirts. Ask Ian Huntley.
Up the toffees! Pen x
pen2k 08/10/04 19:31
- The UKIP cartographers however, were more open about their desires
flotskybruce 09/10/04 17:10
chainsaw_pretty 30/09/04 14:22 (24) 
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menaceXP 03/08/04 13:42 (21) 
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Lambchop
04/10/04 13:57 (19) 
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zig_zag_zog 07/06/04
11:31 (12) 
's 
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03/06/04 11:09 (10) 
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12/09/04 12:43 (10) 
Yes